My heart yearns to say a million things. To express emotions that have come and gone and to make you understand decisions and choices I have made. Yet, you are you . . . so beautifully you, and I am me . . . so stubborn and set in my ways. I long for beauty, connection, complete openness. I want to see the messy parts of you and I want you to see them in me as well. I want both of us to feel that this is ok. Those are the pieces that when put all together make you so wonderful and the reason I love you so much!
Don't hide from me. Tell me what you are scared of. Together we will face it. What makes you happy? What inspires you? What moves you? I want to know. I would love to get a glimpse into that world of yours and feel a piece of how you feel when you are in it. Don't shy away from this. Feel it. Feel it besides me. Open up your heart to me. Talk to me, really talk to me. Set your fears free in the presence of me. Explore this beautiful world with me. Laugh, sing, dance.
Stop for a moment and take it in with me. Do you feel the beauty? I know sometimes you get scared. I do too. But let's not hide it from each other. It is tough being scared alone - but when you have someone to lean on things don't seem so terrible. Lean on me baby, let me be your rock.
Smile with me, let go with me, jump into the unknown with me. If you take the risk, walk along side me, and hold my hand, maybe I won't be so afraid to step out of my shell. Help me stand tall, put myself out there, and leap. I want to spread my wings to the world - but I do need some help, some strength when I am down. I need you to help me stand when I fall and guide me back when I stray. I just need to know you are there.
I need someone understanding of my changing moods in darkening days, or a need to explore, create, roam, and be alone. I want to do things on my own - but have you nearby as well, and close to my heart.
I am not sure how to explain it or how to balance it. I don't want to always be in the shadows nor always the center of it all. I need to express myself more. Stand tall, not be fearful, put myself out there. I need to FLY! Even if you are not around to catch me if I fall.
A little glimpse into my amazing weekend. I am still soaking in all the love I experienced!
The wonderful couple on there special day!
A great group of friends. Thank you Brinker International for bringing all of us together!
What a wonderful weekend I had. Filled with great friends, laughing, smiles, and sunshine. It was a wedding that brought us all together, yet the weekend became more than that to all of us. We bonded, we laughed, we shared stories, and had blast together. It is amazing to me how working with people makes them feel like family to you. And even when you don't work together anymore you still have that bond. We may not see each other as much as we would like to but when we come together it is like we never left one another.
I am so grateful to have each and every one of them in my life.
Thank you dear friends for always being there for me.
I don't watch television, have no idea even the programs that are on.
I don't have much of a wardrobe...I tend to wear the same clothes over and over again...
but it is what I am comfortable in. Does it matter that I am not a fashion guru?
Who am I?
I don't know....or do I?
Who could possibly care about me?
The real me....
The one who likes to shower twice a day, and wants to eat healthy (but loves chocolate), and read, and paint, and just plain soak up life. The one who likes to laugh and be silly and do ridiculous things because they are fun. The one who doesn't wear makeup..in fact knows nothing about it.
Who could possibly love this person? The person who likes to ride her shiny red bike with the basket around town, smiling and waving to strangers. Spending hours in the library. Who could possibly care about the person who cares more about laughing then about money? The person who just wants to connect with others....
I feel like a stranger in this world. I feel like people don't get me. I am constantly apologizing for who I am.
The writer....the painter...the photographer...who really isn't any of those things, but enjoys them. I love to write...I love to paint...and I love to take photos...does that matter?
I am not good with the spoken word. I get tongue tied and shy. I don't know what to say. And then I get embarrassed because I want to appear strong...I never want to appear weak.
But sometimes I am sad.
And sometimes I cry.
People hurt my feelings, and I bleed inside...don't we all?
I don't need much....some paint...a journal to write in...a book to read....I am happy that way.
But who would ever think I that is a good thing? Who could possibly understand that the sound of the ocean eases my heart, and children's laughter lights up my soul? Who could ever understand that I just want to be seen....I just want to be heard. I am a person.
Sometimes I feel invisible.
Sometimes I am scared.
I am ashamed to admit these feelings, but don't we all feel them? Do we?
"We can handle anything when we exchange our worries and fears for alertness and spontaneity. When we focus solely on what is in front of us, and when we LEAP into the sheer wonder of the unplanned life."
Coming home from squam I was on this amazing high. Floating above the clouds from all the love and inspiration that enveloped me. I have never experienced such magic before. It was breathtaking.
However now I sit here and cry. Unable to figure out how to incorporate all those amazing feelings into my every day living. I still have to pay my bills, still have to go to work, still have to do the dishes and think of something to cook for dinner. My mind seems unable to grasp it all. I am upset with myself because I have not carved out any time to create, any time to read, any time to just be with myself and soak in my emotions from squam. I am in desperate need of a warm hug from the amazing Thea and time to just sit and talk with the fabulous Jen Gray I miss cozying up to the fire at night, telling stories, listening to brave souls pour out their hearts, and feeling seen for the first time in my life. Coming back to NJ I feel slightly lost because I am unable to get a grip on it all. I am juggling many things in my life and what I really need to do is put it all down. Examine what is really important and pick only those things back up.
My mind needs time to sort through it all. To embrace the moment. To cherish the memories. And to figure out how to hold onto it and spread it around me.
" I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forest and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps a great joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.
We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another to compete for love. For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves"
**I found this through Swirly and it really resonates with me, so I wanted to share it here as well. Thank you Sparkletopia!**
Last year my theme for 2007 was Passion. I wanted to bring Passion into my life. At that time my concentration was between Christian and I. However now I realize the Passion I was searching for had nothing to do with another person, rather it had everything to do with me.
There are many things in this world that I am passionate about.
The beach, taking photographs, my family, getting to know people, creating, reading, traveling...just to name a few.
My passions light up my eyes when I talk about them, bring a huge smile to my face, and make me feel alive!
An indescribable feeling washing over me when I talk about my trip to Mexico and my upcoming trip to SQUAM. It feels like a fire is lit inside me. I love this feeling. I could eat, breath, live this feeling. It is a part of something I am passionate about...connecting with people.
Now that Christian and I are no longer together I realize I need someone who has core values of things that move them. Things that light their spark, get them going, and rev up their engines.
I want to continue down my path of exploring the things I am passionate about. If I find someone, I want to share my dreams with them. I don't want them to be passionate about all the things I am, but respect what gets me going. I want them to have their own things and I want to hear about them. I want to share some adventures along the way, laugh, and expand our hearts together.
It is not easy to find someone who has that fire. Sometimes it is hard for me to keep my own fire ignited. But I am working on it. Throwing more logs onto the fire, putting myself out there, and concentrating on what it is that moves me. If I don't find someone it is ok as well because I knwo that I have enought and I am enough...I have myself.
I am doing it....I am actually really doing it. I can not even believe it myself. But I am attending SQUAM This is a dream come true for me.
I am extremely nervous about it I am not an artist I just love to do art. Who am I to be surround by such inspiration?
But I am doing it I am putting myself out there, and it is so exciting. This will be a trip I will remember for the rest of my life.
What feels even better is that I am doing this for myself. Purely for myself. Rarely do I do things for myself. I know this experience will fill my heart, inspire my soul, and leave me smiling from ear to ear.
Sometimes I get these moments. These "ah-ha" moments when I feel the switch in my head turn on. The light bulb goes on, the spark ignites the fire. I am not sure how it happens, or why it happens but I am really glad that I am in tune to it happening. I feel it taking place. Normally it is on the right side of my head. Which brain is that? It happened today. The switch went off.
To often we concentrate on the sadness. The mistakes, the things we have done wrong, or wish would have happened. But take a look around. Look at everything that has happened for you. Look at all the good things and throw away the regrets. Throw away the mistakes. Throw away the hurt and anger. So much happiness encompasses our every day. Embrace that with open arms.
I need to go back to making my list at night of what made me happy that day. A short list comprising of only three things. Out of twenty four hours in a day it should be easy to find three things that made me smile, made my heart skip a beat, made my life worth living.
Three Things I am Grateful for Right Now...
1. My opportunity at my job. It has been an amazing chance to gain experience, meet new people, and hopefully get hired.
2. Having the opportunity to live on my own. I have the chance to explore myself, prove to myself I can do it, and learn what really moves me and makes me happy.
3. The opportunity to meet a new friend. Laugh, smile, and have the chance to take a trip. Memories being created.