Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I want to be....

Campfire at Wolf World

I don't get it....
I worry.... I fret...
I drive myself crazy.

I want to appear strong, am I a strong person?

I don't watch television, have no idea even the programs that are on.
I don't have much of a wardrobe...I tend to wear the same clothes over and over again...
but it is what I am comfortable in.  Does it matter that I am not a fashion guru?

Who am I?
I don't know....or do I?

Who could possibly care about me?
The real me....

The one who likes to shower twice a day, and wants to eat healthy (but loves chocolate), and read, and paint, and just plain soak up life.  The one who likes to laugh and be silly and do ridiculous things because they are fun.  The one who doesn't wear makeup..in fact knows nothing about it.  

Who could possibly love this person?  The person who likes to ride her shiny red bike with the basket around town, smiling and waving to strangers.  Spending hours in the library.  Who could possibly care about the person who cares more about laughing then about money?  The person who just wants to connect with others....

I feel like a stranger in this world.  I feel like people don't get me.  I am constantly apologizing for who I am.  

The writer....the painter...the photographer...who really isn't any of those things, but enjoys them.  I love to write...I love to paint...and I love to take photos...does that matter?

I am not good with the spoken word.  I get tongue tied and shy.  I don't know what to say.  And then I get embarrassed because I want to appear strong...I never want to appear weak. 

But sometimes I am sad.
And sometimes I cry.  
People hurt my feelings, and I bleed inside...don't we all?

I don't need much....some paint...a journal to write in...a book to read....I am happy that way.

But who would ever think I that is a good thing?  Who could possibly understand that the sound of the ocean eases my heart, and children's laughter lights up my soul?  Who could ever understand that I just want to be seen....I just want to be heard.  I am a person.

Sometimes I feel invisible.  
Sometimes I am scared.
I am ashamed to admit these feelings, but don't we all feel them?  Do we?

Oh goodness...
Oh goodness...

8 comments:

Amy said...

You.are.not.invisible. I SEE you. You are an incredible woman whose feelings are real and credible.

You. are. not. invisible. EVER.

I can't wait for our art date.

xo

sandy said...

this post was as if you were reading my thoughts. I feel much like you too. I keep plugging forward, but continually question where I'm going. I have a wonderful support group who back me 100%, but it's hard for me to believe sometimes.
I think we are women with BIG hearts- and that is part of the reason for our emotional range. I think you are an incredible woman to have put this out here- you helped me realize I am not alone, and I thank you.
I love your blog- your photography is AMAZING!
We are strong women, we just are getting comfortable accepting it!

Deetree said...

Yes,yes we do!! We all feel the same, more at some points in life, less at some points in life. We all question ourselves, who we are, where we are going, who will ever truly see us, love us. No matter what, always be true to yourself. Your strength will come from that. Have you read Sabrina Ward Harrison's books? if not, check out Spilling Open...you will see that you aren't alone ~ she is an artist as well...
You keep on being you - grow the parts of you that you would like to see stronger, embrace the parts of you that you truly love. Accept all of yourself, and don't worry...YOU WILL BE FOUND!

Anonymous said...

my darling, everything about you is the person who I fell in love with. The quirky person who loves to write to say what she is feeling, the person who may feel insecure but is so secure in my arms, the person who I love to wake up with, the person who has pure beauty and doesn't need makeup, the person who I look into your eyes and know that you are the best thing that has ever happen to me. There is nothing wrong in feeling what you feel, just know that you mean something to all the people you touch, your friends, your family and me. I love you belthoff.

jenica said...

who could possibly NOT love this person. we all struggle with these gremlins, don't let them stay! all of these characteristics you offer are real qualities in a real, wonderful person.

xoxo

Lisa said...

It is as though you reached into my mind and pulled out the words..."The writer....the painter...the photographer...who really isn't any of those things, but enjoys them."

But you are!
You must be!
Because if you're not then I'm not and by God, I have to believe that I am all of these things...

liz elayne lamoreux said...

thank you for sharing these pieces of yourself...the brave truths of your journey. it is so good to get these words out of your head and heart. to realize that you are not alone (you. are. not. alone.) in your feelings and fear and dreams and hopes. to begin to let go of the fears just a bit so that you can really live in your life...dance in your life...

you are not invisible dear girl.

teality said...

I just found your website randomly. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I almost feel like I wrote this, in fact! Enjoy your artistic pursuits because you are meant to do them.

You are strong. You actually hold more power than a lot of people.