Feeling

Feeling the crunch of life, 

anyone else?

This Place

I feel like I haven't been here in so long

This place, it feels different

It doesn't feel like mine

If these walls could talk they would ask me where I have been.

I have been gone from here, but...

I have been out making connections

Embracing the love from others

Creating new memories with family

I have been soaring high

Feeling brave

Sharing the love that resides in my heart

Opening up, spreading my wings

I have put myself out there

I have gained so much

Connected

Observed

Healed

but, I long to create

I long to be right here in my magical cottage

Diving into what resides in my heart

Splattering paint all over my hands

Getting the words that are swirling around in my head onto paper.

I long to fully explore my inner muse

Balance

I need to find a balance

between love, connections, and my inner heart

I need to find a balance 

between what is out there and what is hidden in here

A balance between you doing what you love and me besides you, covered in paint exploring

I need.....

My heart on paper

Ramapo Reservation

I stand here staring at my shadow

Trying to be sure of myself

Trying to fall freely into what I see ahead of me

I struggle sometimes

I have never been here before

I have never been surrounded by so much love

At times I wonder if I am handling it with the care it deserves

I am afraid it will crumble 

I am afraid I will fall

Never have I felt like I was in the center of someones universe, and they in mine

Never have I felt so strong

Never have I felt so much

The kindness and love that swirls around me is intoxicating

It breathes strength into my weakened bones

And takes away the gloom during these dark days

The conversation is enthralling

The eyes are calming

I feel brave

I feel like myself

I worry that I don't show how I feel well enough

I worry that I lack any sense of expressing my true emotions

I worry that I won't feel like I am enough or can give enough

The struggle seems endless sometimes

A constant battle between my heart and my head

I am healing

I am growing

I am observing 

I feel strong

I can see my dreams more clearly

I smile more

I am surrounded by amazing people

I am standing tall

I try

Ramapo Reservation

"I try

but it's hard to believe

I try

but I can't see what you see

I try.  I try. I try

My whole world is changing

I don't know where to turn"

*Jonatha Brooke, I'll Try

Maybe

 Aquarium in Boston

Maybe, just maybe I am not meant to put it out there 

Maybe that time has come and is gone

Maybe extending a hand of friendship is strangling,

not allowing for a breath of fresh air to enter.  

Maybe I will never know what I should have done

Maybe I will eventually learn to surrender to the mystery of it all

Maybe as time passes we both heal and find something different from each other.

Or maybe this is the end of the road, 

our time to say goodbye

Maybe, just maybe

Rambling Thoughts at Night

New Paltz NY, heart opening hike

My heart yearns to say a million things.  To express emotions that have come and gone and to make you understand decisions and choices I have made.  Yet, you are you . . . so beautifully you, and I am me . . . so stubborn and set in my ways.  I long for beauty, connection, complete openness.  I want to see the messy parts of you and I want you to see them in me as well.  I want both of us to feel that this is ok.  Those are the pieces that when put all together make you so wonderful and the reason I love you so much!

Don't hide from me.  Tell me what you are scared of.  Together we will face it.  What makes you happy?  What inspires you? What moves you?  I want to know.  I would love to get a glimpse into that world of yours and feel a piece of how you feel when you are in it.  Don't shy away from this.  Feel it.  Feel it besides me.  Open up your heart to me.  Talk to me, really talk to me.  Set your fears free in the presence of me.  Explore this beautiful world with me.  Laugh, sing, dance.

Stop for a moment and take it in with me.  Do you feel the beauty?  I know sometimes you get scared.  I do too.  But let's not hide it from each other.  It is tough being scared alone - but when you have someone to lean on things don't seem so terrible.  Lean on me baby, let me be your rock.  

Smile with me, let go with me, jump into the unknown with me.  If you take the risk, walk along side me, and hold my hand, maybe I won't be so afraid to step out of my shell.  Help me stand tall, put myself out there, and leap.  I want to spread my wings to the world - but I do need some help, some strength when I am down.  I need you to help me stand when I fall and guide me back when I stray.  I just need to know you are there.  

I need someone understanding of my changing moods in darkening days, or a need to explore, create, roam, and be alone.  I want to do things on my own - but have you nearby as well, and close to my heart.  

I am not sure how to explain it or how to balance it.  I don't want to always be in the shadows nor always the center of it all.  I need to express myself more.  Stand tall, not be fearful, put myself out there.  I need to FLY!  Even if you are not around to catch me if I fall.  

Enjoyment

Enjoying the connection of others

Soaking in the goodness of family

Comfort, friendship, love

All wrapped together

Like a precious gift.  

The simple things in life taking a front seat

Grabbing hold of the wheel

And steering me into the right direction.

Lucky, 

I sure am lucky

Just looking around I can feel it

I can sense it

Goodness have enveloped me.

beauty

                                   Ramapo Reservation

"She cried at least once a day,

not because she was sad, 

but because the world was so beautiful

and life was so short"

~unknown~

Dreary

  Ramapo Reservation 

I have been feeling really dreary lately.

The rain, the time change....

It has all weighed heavy on my heart.

I miss the sunshine on my face

The smile of the clouds as they pass by.

I miss being outside and soaking in this wonderful life.  

I have spent many days curled up in bed 

The blankets my cocoon, 

holding in the tears that want to fall

like the rain falling outside.  

I listen to the song the rain sings

Hoping it will soothe my sadness

I flip through old photographs of wonderful times 

I cherish the memory of these moments, 

but my heart is yearning for the sunshine.  

Tomorrow is a new day, 

and the beautiful sun should shine brightly

Hopefully this will light up my heart. 

Creativity

my art supplies sprawled out in my magical cottage

Creativity has surrounded me.  

It is oozing from my pours

Spilling out from my heart

And singing a song inside my head.

I feel connected

I feel centered

I feel like I am headed down the right path

I feel comfortable with myself

For a long time I was not comfortable with me

I was in the shadows

Hiding behind closed doors

Concealing my heart

But now I am colorful

Full of light

Feeling the world around me

And taking it all in

The things that surround me amaze me

Make me smile

Make me feel whole

They ignite a fire inside me, that won't go out

I adore this life,

I adore this little magical cottage I call my studio apartment

I adore my art supplies,

my camera, and my photos.

I adore the connection I get with others through these things.  

I am savoring life!

You gotta...

Flower garden at the Mohonk Mountain House, New Paltz NY

You gotta take the risk....that is what life is all about

*JMB

Taking it all in

Top of the Lemon Sqweeze, New Paltz NY

The sound of the leaves fluttering in the breeze

The radiant colors beaming from the trees

The stillness

The quiet

Soaking it all in

Hearing my footsteps along the path,

carrying me through the woods.

Holding me safely

Embracing my heart

Nature brings me back

Grounds me

Helps my soul de-clutter

It brings a smile to my face

Eases my fears

And makes me feel a little more comfortable with myself.  

I . . .

Wonderful Memories

A little glimpse into my amazing weekend.  I am still soaking in all the love I experienced!

The Girls!

The wonderful couple on there special day!

A great group of friends.  Thank you Brinker International for bringing all of us together!

What a wonderful weekend I had.  Filled with great friends, laughing, smiles, and sunshine.  It was a wedding that brought us all together, yet the weekend became more than that to all of us.  We bonded, we laughed, we shared stories, and had blast together.  It is amazing to me how working with people makes them feel like family to you.  And even when you don't work together anymore you still have that bond.  We may not see each other as much as we would like to but when we come together it is like we never left one another.   

I am so grateful to have each and every one of them in my life.

Thank you dear friends for always being there for me. 

Beautiful

New Paltz

Floating high above

Soaking in the world around me

Every color

Every scent

Everything

How beautiful this world is

How much is has to offer

How blessed I am in what surrounds me

This glorious day

This glorious life

Beautiful....Beautiful

Here I Am

New Paltz

I am breathing in the fresh air.

Tasting what life has to give.  

I am here.

I am open.

I am accepting what life is throwing me.

What are you accepting? 

I want to be....

Campfire at Wolf World

I don't get it....

I worry.... I fret...

I drive myself crazy.

I want to appear strong, am I a strong person?

I don't watch television, have no idea even the programs that are on.

I don't have much of a wardrobe...I tend to wear the same clothes over and over again...

but it is what I am comfortable in.  Does it matter that I am not a fashion guru?

Who am I?

I don't know....or do I?

Who could possibly care about me?

The real me....

The one who likes to shower twice a day, and wants to eat healthy (but loves chocolate), and read, and paint, and just plain soak up life.  The one who likes to laugh and be silly and do ridiculous things because they are fun.  The one who doesn't wear makeup..in fact knows nothing about it.  

Who could possibly love this person?  The person who likes to ride her shiny red bike with the basket around town, smiling and waving to strangers.  Spending hours in the library.  Who could possibly care about the person who cares more about laughing then about money?  The person who just wants to connect with others....

I feel like a stranger in this world.  I feel like people don't get me.  I am constantly apologizing for who I am.  

The writer....the painter...the photographer...who really isn't any of those things, but enjoys them.  I love to write...I love to paint...and I love to take photos...does that matter?

I am not good with the spoken word.  I get tongue tied and shy.  I don't know what to say.  And then I get embarrassed because I want to appear strong...I never want to appear weak. 

But sometimes I am sad.

And sometimes I cry.  

People hurt my feelings, and I bleed inside...don't we all?

I don't need much....some paint...a journal to write in...a book to read....I am happy that way.

But who would ever think I that is a good thing?  Who could possibly understand that the sound of the ocean eases my heart, and children's laughter lights up my soul?  Who could ever understand that I just want to be seen....I just want to be heard.  I am a person.

Sometimes I feel invisible.  

Sometimes I am scared.

I am ashamed to admit these feelings, but don't we all feel them?  Do we?

Oh goodness...

Oh goodness...

We Can...

                          LBI

"We can handle anything when we exchange our worries and fears for alertness and spontaneity.  When we focus solely on what is in front of us, and when we LEAP into the sheer wonder of the unplanned life."

~unknown author~

Holding on to the Magic

Squam Workshops, New Hampshire

Coming home from squam I was on this amazing high.  Floating above the clouds from all the love and inspiration that enveloped me.  I have never experienced such magic before.  It was breathtaking.  

However now I sit here and cry.  Unable to figure out how to incorporate all those amazing feelings into my every day living.  I still have to pay my bills, still have to go to work, still have to do the dishes and think of something to cook for dinner.  My mind seems unable to grasp it all.  I am upset with myself because I have not carved out any time to create, any time to read, any time to just be with myself and soak in my emotions from squam.  I am in desperate need of a warm hug from the amazing Thea and time to just sit and talk with the fabulous Jen Gray  I miss cozying up to the fire at night, telling stories, listening to brave souls pour out their hearts, and feeling seen for the first time in my life.  Coming back to NJ I feel slightly lost because I am unable to get a grip on it all.  I am juggling many things in my life and what I really need to do is put it all down.  Examine what is really important and pick only those things back up.  

My mind needs time to sort through it all.  To embrace the moment.  To cherish the memories.  And to figure out how to hold onto it and spread it around me.  

I am searching for answers.  

Wolf World

Wolf World Hike

Away in the woods again this weekend

Sitting around a fire

Telling stories of days gone by

Laughing until we cried

Doing silly things

Playing games

Hiking all the way up to the top

What a beautiful experience to be around loved ones

Sharing, exploring, dreaming.

Fire draws people in, 

Makes them sit down for a while

And simply just be with one another.

What a beautiful experience

What an amazing adventure

Open Up

  SQUAM Lake, New Hampshire.  View from the hidden rock I found to rest and dream.

Discover

Wander

Capture

Really trust this troubled heart

Tiny birds have wings

but freely fly

Listen for the wonder

Let open hands fall

Perhaps that old feeling is real

But today let go

Transform

Travel

Eyes open

Pondering 

Feeling

Loving

This poem was written at SQUAM Art Workshops in Misty Mawns painting class.  I think it describes the transformation that happened while I was there.  

Searchers

" I am one of the searchers.  There are, I believe, millions of us.  We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content.  We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret.  We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.  We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.  We like forest and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well.  Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter.  To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps a great joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide.  Most of all we love and want to be loved.  We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give.  We do not want to prove ourselves to another to compete for love.  For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful.  It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves"

~James Kavanaugh

**I found this through Swirly and it really resonates with me, so I wanted to share it here as well.  Thank you Sparkletopia!**

Passion

Last year my theme for 2007 was Passion.  I wanted to bring Passion into my life.  At that time my concentration was between Christian and I.  However now I realize the Passion I was searching for had nothing to do with another person, rather it had everything to do with me.  

There are many things in this world that I am passionate about.

The beach, taking photographs, my family, getting to know people, creating, reading, traveling...just to name a few.       

My passions light up my eyes when I talk about them, bring a huge smile to my face, and make me feel alive!  

An indescribable feeling washing over me when I talk about my trip to Mexico and my upcoming trip to SQUAM.  It feels like a fire is lit inside me.  I love this feeling.  I could eat, breath, live this feeling.  It is a part of something I am passionate about...connecting with people.  

Now that Christian and I are no longer together I realize I need someone who has core values of things that move them.  Things that light their spark, get them going, and rev up their engines.  

I want to continue down my path of exploring the things I am passionate about.  If I find someone, I want to share my dreams with them.  I don't want them to be passionate about all the things I am, but respect what gets me going.  I want them to have their own things and I want to hear about them.  I want to share some adventures along the way, laugh, and expand our hearts together.

It is not easy to find someone who has that fire.  Sometimes it is hard for me to keep my own fire ignited.  But I am working on it.  Throwing more logs onto the fire, putting myself out there, and concentrating on what it is that moves me.  If I don't find someone it is ok as well because I knwo that I have enought and I am enough...I have myself.  

You

We used to be together.

Laughing, joking, enjoying each others company.

Now we are apart.

Not even sure what the other is doing.

How did it come to this? 

Did we not work hard enough? 

Did we not listen to each others inner most thoughts? 

Did we close our eyes to the beauty that surrounded us?

Before we were a team, now we are strangers.

Passing one another in the night and never even noticing.

Looking around I see all the things we used to share,

Time spent together.

When all is still and quiet I can still hear your laughter bouncing off the walls. 

Photos of you remain in frames hung up so neatly.  

I still cannot muster up the strength to take them down.

When I gaze upon them memories flood my mind.

Taking me back to a moment filled with smiles and time spent together. 

There are still moments when my eyes well up with tears.

Remembering you.  

We spent so much time laughing... 

no one can make me laugh like you do.

Just hearing that laugh brings a smile to my face.

I miss you!

I hope you are well,

and I hope whatever you are up to your laughter is following you!

  

SQUAM

I am doing it....I am actually really doing it.
I can not even believe it myself.
But I am attending SQUAM
This is a dream come true for me.

I am extremely nervous about it
I am not an artist
I just love to do art.
Who am I to be surround by such inspiration?

But I am doing it
I am putting myself out there, and it is so exciting.
This will be a trip I will remember for the rest of my life.

What feels even better is that I am doing this for myself.
Purely for myself.
Rarely do I do things for myself.
I know this experience will fill my heart, inspire my soul, and leave me smiling from ear to ear.

Two more weeks!! Hooray!!

Not leaving....

I can't leave.  I simply must stay.

I enjoy it here.

The conversation, the laughter, the common bond we have formed for being together for so long.  

What amazes me is how this place has brought us all together. 

All so different, yet sharing something special, sharing something unique just by being here.

When you leave things change.  

You lose touch, you do not have the same connection.  It is a shame

So I simply must stay.  I can't leave

I really enjoy it here.

I know what to expect when I  walk in.

A friendly greeting, a smile, "hi hunnnie"

I do not have that anywhere else.  

It has grown here and has become a part of me.

Sure one day I will move on, 

but for now I am going to enjoy the part of me that has been nurtured here and I will stay  

Looking Out

Looking out, 

and what do I see?

Is that the same girl staring up at me?

She is stronger now

Braver

A look of determination in her eyes.  

How did she grow in such a short amount of time?

I turned around for a second and here she stands above me.

Ready to help me up with a gentle smile and calming look in her eyes.

She seems happy living alone, enjoying each day, working hard.

She seems more together, more relaxed, calm.

Is that the same girl staring up at me?

I look for a long time into those deep brown eyes and I realize

the girl I see is me.  

Embracing life, savoring the sights and sounds, and feeling what is around.

The road was long, the path was bumpy, and still I am on my journey.

Traveling along with a little more pep in my step, and a song in my heart.

Everything as it should be.

Traveling along with this beautiful girl inside of me. 

Darkness

In the distance it is there,

but I can't feel it

I can't see it

I don't even know what it is like anymore

Does it really exist?

Will I ever experience it again?

I am hurting,

Struggling.  

Feeling terrible horrible feelings

They are washing over me as tears soak my shirt.

How did I end up on this dark road?

Why do I feel so trapped?

Will a light shine through the darkness?

Or will I be left to my own demise?

Here, Now What?

Here I am,

Now what?

What am I doing here?

How did I even get here?

Do I belong here?

Sometimes I am not so sure

I shy away from myself, 

get nervous to stand tall

I put myself down.

That needs to stop, 

right here

right now

What?

What do you have to say about that?

I tried to give you my heart.

I tried to show you who I was

You disappeared

You backed down

You are no longer around.

Yes I would love to have you here,

but it doesn't seem like you care much for that.

So I choose myself.

I choose to save the only thing I know how to save

I choose me.

You might have not, but I did.  

Don't feel bad for me

Don't look down on me with those disapproving eyes

I need to take care of myself

I need to lift my head up,

look into the sky and reach for the stars

It's a shame it never worked

It's a shame you ran 

But here I am,

firm in the soil, planting my feet in the ground

I traveled an immense distance for you

I placed my heart in the palm of my hands ready to give it to you

Maybe I made it to easy, maybe I was to fragile for you.

Yes I am a "flower loving artist" as you say

Who does need someone pretty "unique to keep me grounded"

But I'm not worried about that now

I have my head on my shoulders, 

I am feeding my heart and nourishing my soul.

I am Here!

Happiness

The skies are parting

Things are getting just a little bit more clear

I hope happiness is in my stars at night.  

Rising up...

I fell to the floor

Begging to the world to help me find peace.

I cried, pleaded, shouted.

Nothing seemed to help

For awhile I stayed in that position.

Huddled on the floor

Aching, 

Feeling pain in every inch of my body.

I started to notice the sun shining

It came slowly, casting a light through my darkness

Every so gently it got brighter and I was able to see things a little more clearly.

I rose to my knees.

Instead of begging and pleading I began to give thanks

I started to notice the beauty around me,

I felt the earth, the breeze, the sun. 

Nature surrounded me

Nature healed me.

I put my palms out,

As if to welcome the new things coming way.

A smile rose on my face and I embraced all the adventures I would soon take

On my knees I stood tall,

Proud of who I was.

Amazed at what I had been through

And grateful to be here right now, in this moment.

Rising up from the darkness

Rising up from the despair

Standing tall in who I am

Rising up to meet who I am meant to be.

Truth

"If you cannot find the truth where you are, where else do you expect to find it?"

*Dogen*

Strangers

Sitting on a plane

Sadness washing over me

Writing my thoughts away in the darkness

Not even stopping to turn on the light

Not wanting to shed all of this in the brightness

Music in my ears

My thoughts coming out through my fingertips

Tears welling up in my eyes

The stranger next to me catches my attention

Let's me know it is ok to turn on the light

I am not sure I am ready for that, not sure I ever will be

We begin talking

I begin to not feel so alone up here in the sky

Two strangers coming together

Traveling alone, yet coming together.  

The sun is my guide...

The sun is shining and the air is washing a light breeze over me.  

I smile

Whoever thought I would be here?

Before I was filled with so many harsh emotions.

I had gone through an incredible storm,

and it has just begun to calm down.

The sun is smiling as if to say...

You are ok, and You are where you need to be.

Embrace this moment.

I look around, taking it all in.

The leaves on the trees, the clouds in the sky, 

The feel of the hot sun on my skin.

All that surrounds me is healing me.

Enveloping me in a swirl of love and strength.

Refueling my soul for whatever lies ahead.  

The sun is my guide.

She holds me gently,

and has lead me to this safe haven. 

Memories

Last summer...

Was simply a blast.

Filled with amazing memories, lots of laughing, road trips, and great times.  

I wonder what the summer of 08 will bring now that things are so different. 

What will it be like spending the summer alone???

The Light!

Sometimes I get these moments.  These "ah-ha" moments when I feel the switch in my head turn on.  The light bulb goes on, the spark ignites the fire.  I am not sure how it happens, or why it happens but I am really glad that I am in tune to it happening.  I feel it taking place.  Normally it is on the right side of my head.  Which brain is that?  It happened today.  The switch went off.

 To often we concentrate on the sadness.  The mistakes, the things we have done wrong, or wish would have happened.  But take a look around.  Look at everything that has happened for you.  Look at all the good things and throw away the regrets.  Throw away the mistakes.  Throw away the hurt and anger.  So much happiness encompasses our every day.  Embrace that with open arms.  

I need to go back to making my list at night of what made me happy that day.  A short list comprising of only three things.  Out of twenty four hours in a day it should be easy to find three things that made me smile, made my heart skip a beat, made my life worth living.  

Three Things I am Grateful for Right Now...

1.  My opportunity at my job.  It has been an amazing chance to gain experience, meet new people, and hopefully get hired.

2.  Having the opportunity to live on my own.  I have the chance to explore myself, prove to myself I can do it, and learn what really moves me and makes me happy.

3.  The opportunity to meet a new friend.  Laugh, smile, and have the chance to take a trip.  Memories being created.