treasuring each moment

Do not ask me what tomorrow may bring
I haven't a clue
I cannot promise you that it will be okay
I have no idea if any of this will work out
I am unsure just as you are of what the future holds

It may be disastrous
Riddled with disappointment and regret
Or it may be the time of our lives
Filled with laughter and joy
No one can know for certain

What I do know
Is how I feel in this moment
How my insides are light up with happiness
And how alive my heart is as it beats a little faster

I know the enjoyment I receive from the time we spend together
How your laughter brings a smile to my face
And hearing your stories ushers me closer to you
I know that I am grateful for our chance encounter

I understand that there are no guarantees in life
Even when we seek them out
All we can do is sink deeply into the moment
And appreciate what is unfolding before us

So I am not worried about what may happen
Or what could happen
I am simply standing here beside you
Treasuring every single breath

window to my soul

It is different world now  

There is this capability for you to see directly into my soul before you even know me  

You do not have to spend time with me or ask me questions  

You can can just show up here, 

whenever you would like 

and sift through my inner thoughts, see my struggles, and peruse a catalogue of my past

You may judge me before you even know me

based on what you have read here  

It is a different time  

I am not sure how to navigate through these new waters

You can see directly into my heart

My vulnerable pieces are scattered throughout these pages

You know how I am feeling without me even telling you

But I am unclear about you

What you think

How you feel

You have this window into my soul

And I can only wonder

step out

Only half of you shining
Why do you hide?
The pieces you show shine brilliantly
What are you afraid of?
See yourself through my eyes
Feel the way I feel for you
Release the past
Those stories do not define the future
We are all afraid of the unknown
It will be okay
Step out into the world
Show us who you are

friendship

Friendship heals us

It moves us through life

Lifting us up when we need it the most

Giving us a shoulder to lean on when we feel we cannot stand on our own

Beautiful friendships make the days brighter

Struggles not seem so insurmountable

And they fill our life with laughter and light

With a friend you do not even have to say a word

They know when you need them

And they swoop right in

Taking the time to have lunch with you, 

when they could have just headed home

Creating postcards and dropping them in the mail, 

so they arrive when you least expect it but need it the most

Sending little messages that appear in the palm of your hand, 

putting a smile on your face no matter where you stand

Friends fill you up

Together you create memories that live deep within each of you

They listen to you

Never judge you

But stand beside you

Even in your darkest moments, 

they simply hold your hand letting you know they are there

In a world where we cannot rely on many things

One thing for certain is our friendships

Taking the time to nurture them is important

Letting a friend know you care is valuable

With out my friends I would be a shell of myself

Wandering aimlessly through this world

I am so blessed to have connected deeply with my friends

And to have the opportunity to savor the memories we create together

Thank you dear friends

for standing beside me

Watching me grow and cheering me on

Thank you for listening 

For nurturing me

And swooping in when I didn't even know I needed you

You make my world a bright place

differences

I see the small pieces
You look at the bigger picture
I feel things
You seek them out
Moments hit me right in the heart
Your mind races trying to figure out how to fix things
It does not make either of us right or wrong
It just makes us different from one another
You are a seeker and I am a feeler
I am optimistic
You are a bit more pessimistic
Happiness enters my heart easily
For you it is not that simple
But that is what makes the conversation interesting
You open me up to a different way of viewing the world
And seeing things from a different angle

Gratitude

I often speak of how lucky I am.
How throughout my journey in life there have been difficult challenging times,
but along the way I meet some of the nicest people
Who hold my hand, guide me, stand beside me.
I have had some of the most amazing experiences,
usually happening when I least expect them.
Chance encounters
Life altering moments
They find there way to me
Some way, some how
It is all really mind blowing, heart opening, soul filling

These moments would not hold so much for me
if I did not appreciate them for what they were
And for what they opened up inside of me
I hold a book inside my heart filled with a list of things I am grateful for
Each day something new is added to that book
It warms my soul and brings a smile to my face

If these moments just came and went without me savoring them
They would be like any other moment in time
Insignificant and passing without a second thought
But for me they are not just moments
They are beauty, courage, truth, connection, love
They are amazing
and I am so grateful for each one of these moments finding there way to me

Here is a small list of some of the things I am grateful for in this moment
~ Postcards arriving in the mail
~ Connecting daily with people all across the states
~ 3:00 coffee breaks
~ Spending time in different parks and taking the time to soak it all in
~ Feeling honored to hear the truth of someone's story
~ Public transportation
~ Family and friends who listen to me and let me bounce things off of them
~ The sun shining down on me all weekend
~ My ring and all the meaning, truth, and reminders that it holds for me
~ Being able to recognize and feel proud for how far I have come on my journey
~ Having the opportunity to spend time with an out of state friend coming into town
~ The sanity that comes from having lunch with a friend
~ Being able to laugh at myself when I say the most ridiculous thing
~ Having wonderful people in my world each day who make me laugh and I can joke around with
~ The support and love that comes from my scarf sisters

opening up

Some may not think that it is the safest thing to do

But that does not stop me

I risk my heart anyway

Opening it up to the world

Allowing people to come in

And sit with me 

I share my story

Even the parts that are not pretty

I show the vulnerable pieces of myself

Without any agenda or expectation

I show up 

As myself

Allowing others to enter the space around my heart and soul

I breathe in the moment

Letting it soak deeply into me

Knowing that these are the moments that I will remember

I listen deeply

To the stories others tell

Feeling each emotion that comes from them

I care about the way each person is weaved together 

As they make their journey through life

I treasure the moments when others shed some of their skin

Allowing me in to see them

Granting me the permission to enter their space

It is blessing to stand with them in that moment

I show up

As myself

With my heart in the palm of my hands

Showing the shining pieces as well as the bumps and bruises

In hopes that you will feel safe enough 

To share yourself with me

soaking it in


Wherever you are
In this vey moment
Know that you are where you are suppose to be
Believe in this
Even though it may feel uncomfortable
You may be going through a heart wrenching struggle
You may be giggling with a friend and smiling from ear to ear
You may be holding hands with the one you adore
Or you may be shedding tears for losing a loved one
Whever you find yourself in this moment
Embrace it
Let it wash over you and sink in
Each moment we are building our character
Defining ourselves
Creating memories that will live in our hearts
And the hearts of others
Let the moments take us where they will
Do not fight them off
Sink deeply into them
These are the moments of our one precious life

moments

We like it when we know the answers
When we know what is coming next
When we do not have to wonder
It is easy to be surrounded by those who know us
We can stand confidently in that moment
Being seen and held
And loved for who we are

But the moments where we are not sure what is coming next
The times when we are surrounded by strangers
Showing up because we know we have to be there
But we are not sure what to do
Those are the times that challenge us
They test our strength and our courage
They force us to move outside our box

They are not easy
They are uncomfortable
And push us to look deep within
To know who we are
And stand firmly on those two legs
Even amidst adversity

It is in those awkward moments
That we learn
About the world
And those surrounding us

It is in those moments
That we see who we are
Deep down inside
And we can be proud of that person

It takes effort
To be in that place
To soak up what is happening
Outside of ourselves
And deep within

But once we move past the difficult feelings
We can just be
Where we are
Exactly as we are
A little bit stronger than we were before

wish

Come sit beside me
Tell me what you wish for
Lets talk about all the details
Even the small ones
That you think might not matter

Lets dig into your wish
We will hold hands
And wish your wish together

For a wish to come true
It has to start moving
That will start with me and you
Wishing our wishes together

So sit beside me
Look deep into my eyes
And tell me
What is it you wish for?

the writing in me

At night when I would dream
It was as if I was watching it all unfold
Like a movie was playing in my head
I was not present
I was watching things happen to me

I see in some of my writing I have done the same thing
Using "she"
Instead of "I"
When the feelings are mine
The experience happened to me
It is my heart and soul that is speaking

When I started coming into my own
Feeling comfortable and confidante in my own skin
My dreams shifted
Things were unfolding and I was right there in it
I was no longer watching from above

I know I have to do the same with my writing
I need to own it
Feel confidante in it
Even if it is extremely vulnerable and raw
I need to lay it out there
Because that is me

struggling

It seems as if there are very few places
Where I am showing up lately
My physical body is there
But my mind is off
Wandering
Not able to make one complete thought
Finding it impossible
To engage in conversation
Concentrate on what I am doing
Listen to what others are saying

There are very few places
Where I am feeling like myself
Strong
Confident
Present in the moment

I have been holding back
Building up this wall around me
Censoring my words
Pushing feelings and thoughts aside

In the brief moments that I have been feeling myself
I have been having deep conversations
Over a shared meal
Spilling out contents of my heart onto the table
With a kind soul sitting across from me
Telling me not what I want to hear
But what is true in this world

I feel like I am falling into darkness
Unsure of how to pull myself out
Struggling

. . .

It was a thought, a feeling, a moment
That crept in when I was not even looking
I did not even know that it existed inside
Until it whispered quietly to me

At first I was afraid to listen
Pushing it away as quickly as it had arrived
But it was persistent
It reminded me that in life I take risks
I go for it, no matter what it is
Because I will never know unless I try
It reminded me of my quiet strength
And let me know that no matter
I will be okay

I may stumble
But I will always stand back up
Moving forward
Smiling
Because I listened

disconnected

you have to create the boundaries
the ones that only you can stay within
you have to realize that it is ok
to be out of touch
away from the world for a little while
not connected
we all need a little space
to breathe
to reflect
to sit with our own thoughts

i believe

I believe
in the power of dreaming
you have to give those dreams a voice in order for them to begin their journey

I believe
if you really put your mind to something you can do it
but it does take work

I believe
you can make the world a better place by being kind to people
deep connections are important

I believe
in the healing power of laughter and play
letting go and being silly heals the soul

I believe
in ceramonies and rituals to claim things or let them go
recognizing what moves you is important for the journey

I believe
in the power of telling your truth and sharing your story
opening up yourself to the world is healing

I believe
in not being connected to things
but going out and embracing the experiences that fill our soul

I believe


** and for Brian and Timmy
I believe....I believe that we........I believe that we will win.....I believe that we will win......I believe that we will win!!!

peddling on

I was struggling to find my footing this week
Keep my concentration
And continue stepping forward
I could not figure out what was pulling me down
But I could feel the darkness settling in
I took each day slowly
Sometimes pushing myself to just make it through the next hour
The darkness took me by surprise
And really threw me off balance
I could not formulate into words what it was
And that made the pain go even deeper

But stepping onto my bicycle brought me back to me
It was not an easy ride
My muscles burned
My mind wanted to turn around
But I peddled forward
Slowly coming back to myself
As I pushed on
I saw how strong I had become
And I realized that I cannot listen
To the fears that were whispering there words into my heart

I have come so far
My mind is strong
I have an incredible support system
I am truly blessed to be where I am
Peddling along
Soaking in the warm air
Digging deep into my souls thoughts
For me this is beauty
This is pure
This is life

gratitude

I am so lucky
To be surrounded
by incredible morsels of goodness
Around each turn that I make
It is so beautiful
I am so grateful

questions

She remembers when she started to ask herself the difficult questions
The ones that she never paid attention to before
She remembers how it opened her up in ways she never expected
And how at times it was uncomfortable
She remembers there were times when the questions would fly at her
Fast and furiously
Not leaving her much time to think
But she made it through
Better for it

Here she stands today
With more question rising to the surface
Yet this time they are more difficult to answer
They are a matter of faith
Words questing all she came to believe in
And  making her wonder about all she knows
Her heart and soul are being tested
And so is her belief in the power of dreams
She stands speachless
Trying to make her way through the questions