A Musical Christmas

Well Christmas was filled with some musical sensations. From my mom playing Guitar Hero, to my dad singing a song in Rock Band...I must say it was a blast. I never thought I would see my dad sing in front of a crowd, but I guess when you are surrounded by your ten brothers and sisters it brings you back to your childhood, and you let it all out. It was a lot of fun.



I love the holidays. I love getting together with my family. They really are a great group of people and I am so blessed to have each and every one of them. I think it is so great that we are all so close, and get along so well. I could not ask for anything else.

I hope each and everyone of you had a rocking holiday. I am now looking for a fresh start in 2008! How about you?

See you soon...

Yesterday Christian and I dropped Alvaro off at the airport. It was a time of enormous emotion for me. We had to go to JFK, the same airport I flew out of when I went to Mexico. Memories flooded back from my trip. I remembered crying because I was a little scared of going to Mexico. For me the trip was not just about helping the people of the community, but it also entailed meeting Christians Mother and Brothers, and seeing for the first time the country my dearest love was from. I felt like so much was "riding" on that trip. What if I hated Mexico? What if his mother disliked me? What if I was unable to communicate because of the language barrier? In my head so many "what if's" were swirling around. But bravely and boldy I got on the plane and traveled with a group of people I have never met before and had one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

I love MEXICO!!! Being there felt like home. Every person I encountered was so nice, kind, and caring. I was able to speak the language a lot more than I ever knew I could, and learned more words. I met Christian's mother and his two brothers and they are simply wonderful people. It was the most amazing wonderful opportunity of my life. The people that I encountered in Mexico are forever engrained in my heart. And one day I will be a part of Community Links.

Yesterday there I was again in JFK right outside of AeroMexico. While sitting in the airport with Alvaro and Christian, enjoying Alvaros last meal in America, it hit me like a ton of bricks: "This is exactly were I want to be. To be with Christian. To be a part of his family. To be connected to Mexico and America." It really hit me, and everything felt so right. There is no better feeling in the world than when something feels so right.



Christian has been here for five years and for that time he has not seen his brothers or his mother. So next year we plan to take the trip to Mexico and to get things in order for a more solidified commitment between us :) And I am extremely excited about that.

I cannot wait for the time when there is no border keeping Christian and I from freely going back and forth between Mexico and America. So we will both have the opportunity to enjoy our family. For now though I would like to wish Alvaro luck, and the best possible experience returning to a place he has been away from for so long. Christian and I already miss him greatly, but know in our hearts that he is very happy to be where he is. And we will see you soon!!

Remember to Slow Down...

Lately I have been getting angry quickly,
I feel it bubbling up inside me...
I am not as patient as I normally am.
I also have been getting upset over the smallest things...things that normally would not phase me at all.

I am not sure why.
Something must be causing this sadness and anger.
I am trying to remember to slow down, breathe, and remember other people.

I am searching for a word I can put on a bracelet, write on a ribbon and tie it around my wrist, or even write on my hand...
a word to remind me to
stop....
breathe...
and remember....
life is a matter of thinking.

I need to shift my thinking, and right now I am a little stuck at how to do this.
I need to ground myself, and bring myself back to .. "me"

Any suggestions?

People

"Each journey I take allows me to meet interesting people. If only encountering them for a brief moment their presence still remains in my heart." --JB

....

In a few days he will be gone,
back to Mexico for new adventures.
We will miss him greatly,
and it is so hard to say goodbye...

but he is excited to go,
and hopefully we will be there soon.
So we are savoring our last few days together....
and figuring out how to say goodbye.

True self

Sometime people put on an enormous facade,
they are great actors.

They seem strong and sure of themselves.
They stand in the center and make others cower around them.

Yet, inside they are searching for strength,
Trying to stay afloat, and putting others down along the way.

It surprises me when they give a glimpse of their true self.
Scared, timid, unsure of themselves and the world around them.

I always try to reach out to them,
and sometimes they let down their guard,
other times it is simply a battle, never won.

I know it hard to let your true colors fly,
and to really stand by who are...
but at the end of the day I know people love me for me,
and I hope you realize they love you for you as well.

Before Bed

Before bed a million ideas swirl inside my head, just wanting to get out. But I am snug and cozy, and the lights are out, and I don't want to disturb Chris. So I think about them, and ponder them, and then in the morning they have escaped. My dreams have taken them away to a far distant land reserved for all lost thoughts.

Many of those things I wanted to write about. I wanted to explore, delve deeper into. But they are gone. Possibly they will come back to me another night when I am snug in bed, unable to fall asleep. But I know in the morning they will escape me again. I have heard you should always keep a notebook next to your bed. I think I should start doing this. Write in the dark. Maybe my inner thoughts will come out a little bit easier with no lights on to judge them. Letting my hand and the pen guide it's way over the paper without any lines to constrict them, or any eyes to place judgement them. Maybe then my inner vessel will feel free to explore the open ocean.

Tagged...

Well I have officially been tagged. I am so excited. This has never happened before. Usually I just play along, not being asked, but this time I was asked. Thank you Flying Mermaid! So now I am going to try to play by the rules the best I can.

First: The Rules

*Link to the blog of the person who taggd you.
*Post these rules on your blog.
*List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
*Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
*Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.


Now: My Seven Random Things:

1. I love to watch movie credits just to look at the names to get ideas for baby names, even though I am not even married yet and don't plan on having a baby for awhile.

2. I hate driving when it is dark and rainy outside.

3. I don't want a diamond ring for my engagment ring. I would like something unique...I am a mission to find something that really speaks to me.

4. I love to read, but tend to read more than one book at once. It takes me awhile to finish a book because of this. I keep jumping back and forth between books.

5. When Christian is not home I love to dance around the apartment and sing really loudly in the shower.

6. I love cards...sending and receiving them. I think it is so nice to open the mailbox and find a card. What a sweet surprise. It is also so nice to tuck small cards into peoples pockets and have them discover it later on.

7. I prefer to be the passenger on a car ride (if someone I am comfortable with is driving) because I love to look out the window and enjoy the scenery.


Lastly:

The links to seven people I am tagging. I am sorry but I only feel comfortable tagging two people. This is all so new to me. Here are the two:


Kathleen

Marylin

So if you would like to play along, I would love it. :) Let me know so I can read your seven things.

They Found it

When I first posted  World Hold On on You Tube, I must be honest I never thought people I know would find it.  Only a few people I know "personally" read my blog.  So it was a little easier for me to post that video.  It was so much fun to make and liberating to post.

However, leave it up to your brother to go searching and find it.  And now it has spread.  Not only has he shard it with my family, but Chris shared the link with someone from work...so now they all have seen it as well.  

It is hard to explain the feeling when people come up to me and say as they are laughing: "so I saw your video on You Tube, man you got some nice moves."  They question why I did it, and even try to mimic me.  At first it was a little hard to take in.  It is something extremely out of my element.  I am not used to being the center of attention, and people talking to me about something I did.  Something like dancing.  Heck, I barely even dance at Weddings because I feel like I cannot dance.   But as the night when on and more people mentioned it my embarrassment faded away.  Yes I know many of them laughed at the video, but it felt good to be able to make them laugh and make them smile.  It showed a different side of me.  A braver side possibly.     

Today is sad

Tomorrow is our big moving day.

People have said congratulations, and that makes me sad inside.

We are not 'moving up'

We aremoving down.

Going from our one bedroom, to a studio.

Of course financially it is much smarter for us,

And will give us the chance to save our money for Mexico.

Yet at the same time it is a little sad.

So many happy memories here.

I love this apartment.

I am really going to miss this apartment.  

It is going to be strange to see someone else living in 'our apartment.'

I am also a little sad because the apartment is not what I expected.

I saw the studio  next door and thought it was the same,

it had a huge bathroom, and enormous closet.

413 does not have those two great features.

I am not sure how we will fit our things...

How everything will flow easily.

I am nervous about no walls to divide things

and a smaller space.

I am sad, and today I am going to let myself be sad.

Tomorrow will be a busy day of moving,

and finding new places for things, and making our space..."our space."

Tomorrow will be exciting, but today is sad.

Divine Inspiration...

The internet is truly an amazing place.

Blogging really makes this amazing place a little more special.

I normally sit at home observing others, 

comforted by their words, 

and being inspired by their courage.  

And yes, I do blog...

however I never challenged myself to be so brave. 

So today with diving inspiration from the fabulous Jen I decided to challenge myself...  

to do something I normally would never do.  

I am shy and never choose to be the center of attention.

I used to be terrified what people thought of me.  

Although that fear still lurks in the back of my mind, it is not as strong as it once was.  

Today I am shedding some more skin.

I am grabbing the world with both hands!

And to be honest, it is exciting!

So here goes nothing .  

I really had fun with this, and hope you enjoy!

~Dancing always makes me happy, I wonder why I don't do it more often.  

When I grow up I want to be....

When we are young we all have dreams of "When I grow up I will be (fill in the blank)."  Sometimes our dreams become are our destiny, at other times our dreams fall to the waste side.  However I truly believe that we should never stop dreaming.  So at 27 years of age, When I grow up I want to be....

A "superhero"  Saving the world by connecting with people and using my superpowers to allow others to see the 'human side' of things and connect with each other.  People would form bonds as strong as superglue.  I would make a difference in the world by using my ability o connect well with others.

~or~

A "teacher"  Inspiring, thrilling, life changing.  The teacher you never forget and the one always strive to be a better person because of.

~or~

A "travel photographer"  Exploring far off places, taking beautiful photos, and sharing them with the world.  Telling the story of particular places with my images.

~or~

A "ballroom dancer"  Dancing beautifully, gracefully, intimately across the dance floor with flawless moves.  Simply divine,

~or~

A "life coach"  Using my ability to listen well, to guide people to strive for the best in themselves.  Guiding people to achieve their dreams and be the happiest they can be.  

~or~

Owning my own sleep away summer camp.  Where children come to flourish and grow.  Raising their self esteem, confidence, and making them aware of their roles in the world.  Boosting self esteem and respect for all individuals.  

~or~

A "immigration activist"  Fighting fora ll the illegal immigrants.  Giving them a voice and changing the laws.  Also guiding and helping them personally on their journey.

Those are mine, in no particular order of course.  What are you going to be when you grow up?

Namaste

Namaste:  A word I have seen around every so often, but never knew what it meant.  Today I finally looked it up.  And here is what I found:

"Namaste: A Sanskrit word meaning The Light of God in Me recognizes and honors The Light of God in You and in that recognition is our Oneness."

"In other words, it recognizes the equality of all, and pays honor to the sacredness of all."

Possibly this word has various meanings, but for me I am going to hold on to this one.  Now all I need to do is figure out how to pronounce it.  

Happy Birthday....

I think those photos say it all for a 27th birthday.  That is how I feel, and with my nueva computadora I am able to express it very quickly and easily.  Thank you Christian!!

Lots to do.  Yesterday was my lucky day.  Christian and I got the apartment across the street.  It is downstairs, but  I think that might be better for us.  I got my birthday surprise.  And I surprised Laurie at her front door trick or treating.  I tricked her and I got the treat.  It was a great day.  Now it is time to continue packing.  14 more days till we are in our new place.  

Fall Days

The Fall is beautiful.  Fabulous colors, brilliant sunshine glowing through the changing colors of leaves.  Cool days and crisp nights.  However, as beautiful as it is, fall is a time for me to mourn the end of summer.  

I am a summer girl.  I enjoy the feel of the bright sunshine warming my skin.  Sitting outside reading a book.  Stargazing at night.  Going for a walk or playing  a fun game of tennis.  Riding my bike to the grocery store and laughing the whole way home because I bought way to many things and now I must juggle them while continue to pedal my bicycle.  

The summer is a time for me to play.  I embrace this fully and almost make it my full time job.  However when the fall days start to get cold all I can think about doing is curling up under my blanket and not getting out until spring time.  

So if you are looking for me, that is where you can find me.  Curled up in bed enjoying a movie or reading a good book.  Possibly I will find something to keep me warm enough in the fall winter days and I will come out and play.  But until I find that you won't find me.  

Today...

You  won't believe this, but I am sitting outside wearing a skirt and short sleeves as I write this.  Soaking up the fabulous sun shine.  It is probably about 70 degrees.  Oh I know the cold is on it's way.  I am sure by Wends it will be here to mock me and show off its  bitterness.  

But for today I am embracing the sunshine and letting the gentle breeze give me a healing embrace.  

The geese are flapping their wings on the water, even going under for a quick swim -  something I never knew they did.  

Dragonflies are perfecting their dance of love while hovering along the coast line of the pond and grass.  The fall colors glisten the trees, and a turtle sits a top a rock enjoying the sunshine as much as I am.   

 

People have come to enjoy this place with me.  A couple eating take out lunch on a the picnic table, a women taking a nap while the sun fills her head with dreams.  A gentleman on his lunch break, prepared for days like today with is very own chair.  Munching on a sandwhich and soaking up the words on the pages.  Another old man across the pong, enjoying the company of the geese perched on the grass besides him.  He choose the shade for some reading.    

And here I am, taking it all in.  Observing the passing of time, changing seasons, comparing in my mind the young boy whose mind is filled with wonder and imagination playing on the playground and the old man deep in thought.  So many years of memories to look back on. And here I sit between them.  Closer to the boy, yet not so far from the old man.  The breeze blowing, the sun shining, the leaves changing color.  A little far from home, feeling more connected to myself. 

Doing My Part

I take my canvas bags to the grocery store.  

I turn off the lights when I leave a room,

and make sure Chris does the same.  

Chris and I  ride our bike's to the supermarket when we can,

and trek our things home in our backpack's.

We carpool to work.  

I will open the window instead of putting on the ac,

and put on a sweater instead of turning on the heat.  

I drop off my old clothes to the clothes bins, instead of throwing them away.  

I am working on turning off the water while washing the dishes, and brushing my teeth.

On buying products that are more enviormentally friendly,

and recycling better.

I am trying to do my part.

I had a conversation with someone the other day who called me a "greeny" for bringing my own bags to the supermarket.  I am not even sure what that word means.  But it shocked me that he mocked me for doing my part.  

Of course I will do my part if it means making the world a little better for myself and my children.  

Of course I will do my part if it means saving something that is so precious and brings me so much joy.

Of course I will do my part.

What holds you back from doing yours? 

And why mock me for wanting to leave this place a little better than I found it?

Disenchanted

She walks amiss alone at alone at night

Seeing things that aren't there

Her dreams are real

In her mind she sees visions

Visions of days long past,

dreams of days to come

She believes so much in these mirages

She can not tell where her dreams end 

and life begins

What will happen to this lifeless soul

Moving through her routine, but 

not feeling life

There is so much for out there for her

So much more she should experience

Yet, her body has trapped her soul

Please someone, find the key

Set her visions free

Coming into my Own

I picked up a book tonight of some of my old writings.  It is amazing to look back on that.  To be able to see the growth and change that has occurred within me.  I used to be scared and afraid.  Blending into the background, not wanting to be seen.  Terrified of being inside my own skin.  Hiding behind the books I was reading.  

Over time I have grown into my skin and became comfortable with myself.  Confidence is growing inside me and with each passing day I am stronger and braver.  My creativity is flourishing and my dreams are expanding and I feel like I will be able to accomplish them.  

It is wonderful to know that hard work does pay off.  To be able to see and appreciate how beautiful life is.  And to have the ability to dream and make those dreams come true.  

It is easy to be nice to other's, and thank them for thing's they do for you.  However we rarely take the time to thank and appreciate ourselves.  I deserve a huge thank you.  For being so patient, for never giving up, for having the strength to keep going.  Life is not easy at times.  I pushed through it, I allowed myself to grow and develop.  To become the person I am today.  Thank you.  For allowing me to see my potential and to continue to reach that each day.  

Bungee chord

Struggling...

To get both of our bicycles positioned perfectly on our car bicycle rack.  

Twisting, turning, maneuvering.  

Like everything else in life we just need to find the perfect position.  

But first lets return to two hours early...

Taking the bikes off.

Struggling...

To position our lunch bag on the back of my bike.

Twisting, turning, maneuvering.

Trying to find the perfect position.

We decide we need to purchase a bungee chord the next time we go to the store.

Struggling over,

we found the perfection position.

And we begin our adventure down the bicycle path.  

Stopping for lunch and

a little game of hopscotch.  

Asking each other questions about life and living.

Enjoying the sunshine and the warm weather.

Enjoying each others company. 

Back to the car.

Struggling.....

Twisting, turning, maneuvering.

Over walks a gentleman with a bungee chord in hand.

He advises us about how to position the bikes,

and he gives us the bungee chord.  

We thank him graciously and he trots away with his dog.  

The bungee chord angel  

Stopping by to give us exactly what we needed.  

How did he know?

and How did he happen to have it with him in his car?

Thank you bungee chord angel!

Thank you for taking the time to stop and help.

Thank you for seeing our human struggle and not just looking away.  

Thank you for the bungee chord!!

Life List

I have this one life,

This one amazing moment in time.

There is so much I want to experience, 

so much I want to feel...

How do I do it all?

How do I accomplish everything I want to?

Sometimes, when things are not just in my head...

but written down on paper they feel more real.

So I did just that.  

The old fashioned way, pen to paper.

Then I brought my list with me onto this medium,

The world wide web!!! (does anyone still call it that?)

For anyone to see.

And now I feel obligated...

To hold my part of the bargain.  

To actually do the things I want to do.

To keep the promises I have made to myself, 

and have put out to the world.  

In the past these lists sat tucked away in draws,

only  to be discovered years later.

However now it is out there....

my hearts deepest desires,

floating in cyber space.  

So now I can keep track.

I can cross things off and add more things on.

And if you want to help I could always use to cheering on.  

You can check out my list here, and I hope it inspires you to make a list of your own.  

Moving!

Come November 30th our time here at this wonderful apartment, which we love, will be over.  It is wonderful here and we are going to miss this place, it is just our budget can not handle the rent increase :(

So....

Dear Universe,

Can you please bring Christian and I a wonderful studio/one bedroom space.  We are looking for wonderful windows which bring in lots of natural light.  We really want to stay around with area because we share our car, and it would be much easier with both of us working together in Ramsey.  We both have an enormous love for the outdoors and want a great outdoor sitting space.  We want a place we can call home.  

Thank you for taking the time to listen to our request.  We appreciate the hard work you do each day and look forward to our new space.

Thank you.

Love,

Jennifer and Christian

I have never downright asked for exactly what I wanted.  It feels liberating to do so...

Stories

I have a story to tell.  

Something I want share with the world.

Feelings, emotions...

Pain, happiness.

It is all inside of me

It is a part of me everyday.

We all have a story to tell

We are all unique, wonderful, interesting.

However we also are all on a time schedule

Going...

     Going....

             Going....

Never taking the time to hear someone else's story.

We get lost inside the hustle and bustle, 

Swept away inside the rush.

I want to slow down.

I want to hear your story.

And I also want you to hear mine.  

I have a story to tell,

You have a story to tell,

Let's sit down and share our stories.  

No Pictures leads to more ramblings...

I keep thinking that if I don't have new pictures I cannot post anything. I don't have many new photos on my computer since I lost everything, and lately for some reason, I have not really picked up my camera. But I am throwing the idea of 'no pictures, no posting' out the widow. Only having words is sometimes better...


Destiny or is it in your hands....
Fate or your decisions....

Which is true?
Do we have control, or is everything controlled for us in some way?

I love these types of conversations. About life, the meaning of life, how things are...anything truly personal. It really connects you to someone. It is hard to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable. To not only show the good side of you, but the not so good as well. To take things out of the closet, lay it on the table, and say; 'hey this is me, am I ok?' I can guarantee you, you are ok, and I have probally felt the same as you sometime in my life. There are so many times in life when we feel so alone. We do not understand a particular feeling we have and we think only we feel this way. However that is probally not true. We are human. The same things hurt our feelings, make us sad, and make us want to laugh. It is the ability to share and form a connection with others which is tough.

One of the people I admire most in this world has this amazing ability to be open and honest even about the most humiliting and embarresing topics. She will tell you exactly how she feels and she will never judge me for any of my feelings, no matter how ridiculous I think they are. Because of this I don't ever feel the need to pretend to be someone else, or hold anything back because I know she will always accept my feelings as 'my feelings'.

I wish everyone was able to be that open, including myself. I do think I am a very open person, but I am my own worst critic so I am not really sure.

There is a difference in honesty and a willingness to be humiliated. Humiliated is not even the right word. I guess just having the ablility to really put yourself out there. I used to hate the idea of being embarressed in public. Oh it just frightened me terribly. So I was quiet and shy, never really wanted to be the center of attention. I rarely talked, and gosh I would never tell a joke...people would laugh then. However those days are long gone. I am not searching for the spotlight, but I not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I feel how I feel...bottom line. If you don't like it I really hope you can at least understand my postion on it. And if we truly disagree I hope we can talk about it, and possibly I will be able to learn something I never knew before. I do silly things, people laugh at me...and I don't mind. I enjoy every day and try to make the best of every situation.

Life is to short.....

Well of course I have rambled on again, and did not even talk about what I wanted to. So stay tuned for destiny or your choice. :)

I'll Allow Myself...

to love but not get so caught up in love that I lose who I am

to cry but not drown mysef in my sorrows

to be angry but not hold on to anger for to long

to do what I want but not forget that my actions and decisions effect others as well as myself

to have what I want but not be consumed by materialistic things

to let go but not forget what brought me this far

to be loved but not stop showing loving for myself and others

to feel good but not be arrogant about it

Trouble...the good kind

"...And the trouble I find is that the trouble finds me
It's a part of my mind it begins with a dream
And a feeling I get when I look and I see
That this world is a puzzle, I'll find all of the pieces
And put it all together, and then I'll rearrange it
I'll follow it forever
Always be as strange as it seems
Nobody ever told me not to try..."

Jack Johnson: Talk of the Town

Ramblings....

Why do woman have these secret gardens? These deep places inside filled with raw emotion, hurt, fear, and all the thoughts we over analyze?

I would do anything for someone I love. Give them whatever they needed for their happiness. I would let them into my heart, let them deep inside. I give without any expectations of anything in return. Possibly it is the motherly instinct inside me. I want the ones I love dearly to have the last bite, get the best piece of cake, have the best seat in the house, and to be able to fully enjoy it. I get enjoyment in knowing and watching them enjoy themselves.

But the secret garden holds the over analyzing. It takes over sometimes. Guys shut the door, no afterthoughts. What is done is done. What has happened, happened. The girl shuts the door and runs through every detail in her mind. Analyzing.

I want to stop analyzing the details. I want to experience the moment and all that comes from it. The analyzing gets me no where. Why do women thrive on it? Why not spend our conversations on more meaningful things? Yet, what is more meaningful than what is going on in our daily lives? I just think there is a different way to handle it.

I always try to live in the moment. My spontaneous nature has taken me on many wonderful adventures. However my giving nature has also restricted me from spending more time on myself. I feel selfish wanting to do things for my happiness...simple little things, like taking a walk. But I need these things. My life depends on it, and it makes me feel more fulfilled.

This month I am working on taking a walk each day. I always feel refreshed after a walk. I walk through my problems in my head and my mind feels lighter. I have also been working on my life list. So far I am up to 79 things. It will be posted soon. Putting it in writing makes it feel more real and gets my wheels turning in how to accomplish each one.

I have always known that my happiness was in my own hands, now I am taking more active steps to make myself feel more fulfilled.

Happy Birthday Tlalolini

Today is Christian's birthday and I feel we had an excellent day. We woke up early, and I cooked him a special birthday breakfeast from his own choosen menu. Then we packed up and headed to the Yankees Red Sox's Game at Yankee Stadium. We watched the Yankee's sweep the Red Sox's. Which was an absolute blast. We hung out after the game for awhile in the parking lot enjoying a beer and a sandwhich. Ended up missing most of the traffic. Came home to sing him happy birthday with his cake and played some guitar hero together. It was really a lot of fun. I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did. The simple things are sometimes the best.

Even though you cannot count the Yankees Red Sox's as simple things. Oh it was so fun! I never thought I would see a Yankees Red Sox's game. And I did. I love baseball, so for me this was a dream come true.

Happy Birthday Tlalolini!!

What a book!

I love to read. Normally I am reading three books at once and never get around to finishing all of them. However Something Borrowed really took over me. I was unable to put it down. Enjoying every moment of it and turning right back to the first page after it ended. It was one of those books that I never wanted to last forever. I just finished reading it and I wish the book store was open so that I could go out and get her next book.

If you have read it let me know so we can discuss it. I will be here, reading it again :)

Illusions

Today I had a conversation about friendship and honesty. We had two conflicting opinions. Although I do not agree with everything he thinks and feels, I can see where he is coming from. And I can't help but feel a little sad.

He believes that there is no such thing as 'the truth.' That things are here one day and then gone the next. When they are here we believe them to be true, but that dream gets shattered. For the moment it feels real, but the moment never last's forever. He even gave me an example of a past relationship. Saying how during that time I believed everything the person told me to be true, however now I do not accept any of those ideas as truth. Does that make those memories all a lie? Is that all an illusion, like he says?

He believes you come into this world alone and leave this world alone so the only person you need to really look after is yourself. I do believe we come in alone, and leave alone but it is the people who are with us along the way that make our experiences that much better. If we were alone for this entire journey just think of what a depressing thing this life would be.

He believes that there is no such thing as friendship. People are around for only a short amount of time, and the only people who really care about you is your family. My family has been there for me through so much, but so have some of my friends. Sure some have come and gone, but there are a precious few who have seen all sides of me and are still here for me.

He believes that everything in this world is an illusion. I asked him if he thought it was possible for him to find the perfect match. He said he was too young to believe that.

He seems to always be picking out the bad in others.

He seems to never really let anyone in. Jumping around leaving pieces of himself scattered about.

He seems to try and hide that he does not care what other think, but deep down inside he is aiming to fit in.

The conversation left me feeling a little bit sad inside. He claims to be extremely happy, but I am not sure that is true. I think it is really sad for someone to not believe in friendship or truth. I like to think people are good and that if you treat them well they will treat you well in return. We all have our moments when we are not honest and we build up illusions around us, however I think inherently we are honest individuals.

I know I cannot change how he thinks and feels, but I just hope he meets someone who is able to open his heart up to love and be able to show him what truth and friendship is really all about. It is not dark and dreary like he made it sound; rather it is comforting and absolutely wonderful.

Pictures

"They're about the memories you have of your life. It's like this: have you ever looked through an old photo album? Imagine finding a picture you haven't seen for a long time and you look at it and suddenly you're remembering, no you're seeing things that no camera on earth could capture."



"A picture is only a marker. It will never be the whole picture. That's not why we save pictures anyway. We keep them as a way of keeping ourselves, as a way of holding our stories safe. To look at a picture we have forgotten is to remember and Treasure that memory as a part of our lives. With such a simple act, we return our stories to ourselves."

Brian Andreas

.....

Untitled
by Judi P.

She was exhausted with the effort.
that part of herself that was once her self
had somehow disappeared.

So she pretended, and smiled, and tried to attend,
but it was difficult

because the part of herself
that remembered her self
was screaming.

And she could no longer hear
anything but the deafening sound of the scream. Aaahhh.

8 Random Things

1. If I eat a cheese burger with the cheese side down I can't taste the cheese...and I think it is a plain hamburger.

2. I am always singing a song in my head...always. People always think I am thinking something serious, nope its just a song.

3. I love my eyes. If you compliment me on them I will love you forever.

4. I have a good sense of direction but usually doubt myself, then I end up getting lost. I need to stop doubting myself.

5. I can watch Serendipity and Major League over and over again.

6. I am a huge baseball fan. I love going to the games, watching them on TV, and hooting and hollering. One of my dreams is
to take a tour of all the stadiums in the US. (p.s...lets go yankees!)

7. When no one is around I dance and sing at the top of my lungs like I am a professional. In fact I really enjoy dancing in
front of the mirror.

and the most embarresing yet...

8. When I was younger I had a huge fear that Michael Jackson was going to come out of my toilet. (I have no idea why)

Life

Life ... the inevitable roller coaster ride
Up, down, around those twist and turns

Remember being young, innocent, pure
Happy with the simple things

How did everything get so complicated
Decisions became life altering

What happend to the easy days
The fun and relaxation

What happened to the ice cream man
And running through the grass at night to catch fireflies

I don't even see fireflies anymore....
are they out there?

Get up and Dance

I adore music
It is a part of my every day life

Singing at the top of my lungs...
Humming along....
or crying to an intense lyric that hits home

I noticed that a lot of my music collection is those intense lyrics
Now don't get me wrong, I love them. However a lot of them are depressing and bring me down.

So I am changing my BEAT!!!

I started collecting music that makes me want to "Get Up And Dance"
And it is such a great way to start a day
Dancing and singing!!

Give it a try I am sure it will make you smile.

Also send the songs that make you want to get up and dance!

Healing

I am the one who is always doing something...
working,
playing,
going for a hike,
walking...
Rarely sitting still.

The past four days have definilty changed that!
All I have being doing is sitting and lying down.
It is strange what sickness does to you.

Of course I have had the urge to clean, and tidy up...
but I restrained.
Instead Christian moved the mattress into the living room,
And I fell deeply into the world of television,
something I rarely every do.

I rested, did an awful lot of resting.

Finally I am starting to feel better.
Not 100% yet, but that will be any day now.

Sometimes your body just needs a break.
I have not been to the doctor since 2005, so really I cannot complain
And two years of resting up and getting better must be taken seriously,
And so I did that.

Tomorrow I think I will take my needed rest out into the sunshine,
poolside, with my mom :)

Perfection

I used to write every single day. Putting my thoughts down onto paper, expressing my ideas, and simply just writing. However now a days I seem to be searching for the perfect words...the perfect thing to write about. Usually great things come to me at night, when I am lying in bed. However i never get up to write them down. I debate them over in my head and forget about them the next morning. Does that mean they were not important?

I need to learn to simply put the pen to the paper and let whatever comes out come out. It does not have to be perfect. It is not a graded paper like in College. It is my ideas, my expressions...whatever I say is ok.

Writing. I must continue to write.

100

This, my friends, is my 100th post!
I remember starting this blog,
and I was hesitant at first.

I am a very private person.
So putting my thoughts and feelings into words....
on the internet....for people to read.
Oh, how scary.

Yet, I jumped into this world of the unknown.
And I have been inspired my so many people.

This world of "blogging" has connected me.
It has got me in touch with me.
And it also has inspired me creativly.

It is so nice to see be able to connect with people,
even if you never meet them in person.

I guess that is part of being human,
searching for that connection, not feeling so alone.

There is this amazing web being weaved right here on the internet
Connecting people and inspiring people.
It is amazing what words can do.

So today is a little celebration for me.
A celebration of my creativity,
of my writing,
of my picture taking,
of my paiting.
Of all the things I enjoy doing...
and all the things I have been inspired to delve into more,
because of this amazing community right here.

Thank you for inspiring me...
and thank you to the only person who reads this....
it is nice to know that even though you are far away you still read what I write.

Happy 100th post to me!!

Love of a lifetime.

"When a trip goes right, things take on an inevitablilty, a momentum they never have in real life"

"With a place, as with a person, you sometimes find the one you have been looking for all your life and your surrendor is immediate, and you talk and talk all night, getting to know one another as if to pack several past lifetimes into a single evening."

"The space between is always the place of potential, of strange promise."

"The definition of love is that it defies all expectations."

"It was the times when nothing happened that convinced me that I had been changed for good; something had been placed in me - a thought, a dream, a question - that I would never manage to uproot."

"Nothing was happening, and I was happier than I'd been anywhere."

"There is only one time that you fall in love and feel, with trembling assurance, that your life is slipping away from you irreverisibly, and youa re delighted at the loss."

All of the above quotes are from an article in an old magazine I found which I saved for the beautiful photos inside. I never read the articles before, I had only looked at the fabulous photos. However the first quote in the article caught my eye, and it spoke volumes to me. The article is 'Cuba, arriving in a new life' by Pico Iyer and it was published in 2006 in 'Islands' Magazine. Oh Pico, your article was beautifully articulate. Everything he had said about Cuba I feel about Mexico.

Inside of me is this seed, this spark, that will not die. It is only looking and seeking to be nourished and filled with more. It will not go away. It will never go away. It is my destiny, it is me, it is everything I am.

I have traveled to many places before. I have enjoyed there company and there surroundings. I have even felt love for certain places. But nothing like I felt for Mexico. Nothing speaks to me more than Mexico does. I cannot even put into words the feelings that are going through my heart as I type this right now. But I can say that they feel amazing.

Hmmm

Tomorrow is the day
Cap and gown
Pompin circumstance
My name being called on the stage
A degree in my hand
Leaving Ramapo College for good this time

It is surreal to me
I am actually graduating from College....
It took long enough :)
But it is a huge accomplishment for me

It seems so strange to think that I am not going back to class
That the chapter of my book at Ramapo College is finally finished.
I never thought I would finish that chapter

I am excited and sad
My parents, bobby, erika, Aunt nancy, thomas, alex, and Christian
will all be there
It means so much to me that they will be there,
especially since I reallly don't even want to go


And know what else is great...
I was the only one in my photography class to get an "A". I don't mean to brag but I am so proud of this accomplishment. At first I just thought the professor was giving every one good grades because I was getting good grades on all my assignments. But it turns out he was not. He even told me that he does not normally give out "A's" but the work I was doing in the class really deserved an A. This makes me so happy, because this was not a class where you had to study and that is what got me the grade. I had to go out find things to take pictures of, be creative with what I was photographing, and use my camera correctly to photograph it. I love taking photos...I never really thought I was any good at it, but my professor really belives I have some type of talent. It is nice to know that someone out there belives you are talented. Someone you don't really even know. He believes I will accomplish great things in my life. Who doesn't love to hear that.

My very last semester at Ramapo College was fabulous....no finals....a trip to Mexico...and an amazing photography class. A girl could not ask for more.

Divine Inspiration!

Michelle has come up with a brilliant way of celebrating her birthday. (I apologize, but I need to figure out how to link again, once I do I will put up the link) She is going to do one thing each day in May to pamper her soul and feed her spirit. What an amazing way to celebrate her birthday. I think it is incredibly inspiring and I am going to try to do it as well. This is something I really need to think about though, and like she said...mark it on my calender.

Taking time to nourish my body, inspire my creative soul, and feed my inner spirit. Time for myself, to fully indulge and appreciate who I am. A time to celebrate me. I belive I will kick it off tomorrow with some dancing. What better way to begin than with Bob Sinclair's "Love Generation." Dancing is extremly healing, and really lifts up my spirits. I'll be honest, I really enjoy dancing in front of the mirror. :)

I think this month a bike ride is in order. As well as an early morning walk, taking beautiful photos of myself, singing along to my favorite songs, exploring the book store--which I have not done in so long, walking tall and being proud of who I am, cooking myself a nice meal and eating it by candle light, diving into a fabulous book that I want to read....hmm I wonder what else. I will definitly keep you posted as to what I indulge in during this month of me.

Coming to a close

My time at Ramapo College is quickly coming to a close. I cannot belive I am actually graduating. I have been in school for so long (I don't even want to tell you the exact number of years, it has been that long). It feels like forever. What am I going to do with myself now that I am no longer going to school? Wild!!! I know.

I know I must perfect my resume, apply to jobs, and apply to graduate school....yes more school, I know. But I must get my masters in Education so I can what I really want to do, teach! So school is not completly over for me, but in a large part it is. A bachelors degree does not mean much now a days, but at least I will have that. It is something, and something I am proud of. For me it is a huge accomplishment.

So on May 11, 2007 at 10 am, think of me. For I will then be a college graduate! Hooray!!