Open Up

  SQUAM Lake, New Hampshire.  View from the hidden rock I found to rest and dream.

Discover

Wander

Capture

Really trust this troubled heart

Tiny birds have wings

but freely fly

Listen for the wonder

Let open hands fall

Perhaps that old feeling is real

But today let go

Transform

Travel

Eyes open

Pondering 

Feeling

Loving

This poem was written at SQUAM Art Workshops in Misty Mawns painting class.  I think it describes the transformation that happened while I was there.  

Searchers

" I am one of the searchers.  There are, I believe, millions of us.  We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content.  We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret.  We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.  We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.  We like forest and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well.  Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter.  To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps a great joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide.  Most of all we love and want to be loved.  We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give.  We do not want to prove ourselves to another to compete for love.  For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful.  It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves"

~James Kavanaugh

**I found this through Swirly and it really resonates with me, so I wanted to share it here as well.  Thank you Sparkletopia!**

Passion

Last year my theme for 2007 was Passion.  I wanted to bring Passion into my life.  At that time my concentration was between Christian and I.  However now I realize the Passion I was searching for had nothing to do with another person, rather it had everything to do with me.  

There are many things in this world that I am passionate about.

The beach, taking photographs, my family, getting to know people, creating, reading, traveling...just to name a few.       

My passions light up my eyes when I talk about them, bring a huge smile to my face, and make me feel alive!  

An indescribable feeling washing over me when I talk about my trip to Mexico and my upcoming trip to SQUAM.  It feels like a fire is lit inside me.  I love this feeling.  I could eat, breath, live this feeling.  It is a part of something I am passionate about...connecting with people.  

Now that Christian and I are no longer together I realize I need someone who has core values of things that move them.  Things that light their spark, get them going, and rev up their engines.  

I want to continue down my path of exploring the things I am passionate about.  If I find someone, I want to share my dreams with them.  I don't want them to be passionate about all the things I am, but respect what gets me going.  I want them to have their own things and I want to hear about them.  I want to share some adventures along the way, laugh, and expand our hearts together.

It is not easy to find someone who has that fire.  Sometimes it is hard for me to keep my own fire ignited.  But I am working on it.  Throwing more logs onto the fire, putting myself out there, and concentrating on what it is that moves me.  If I don't find someone it is ok as well because I knwo that I have enought and I am enough...I have myself.  

You

We used to be together.

Laughing, joking, enjoying each others company.

Now we are apart.

Not even sure what the other is doing.

How did it come to this? 

Did we not work hard enough? 

Did we not listen to each others inner most thoughts? 

Did we close our eyes to the beauty that surrounded us?

Before we were a team, now we are strangers.

Passing one another in the night and never even noticing.

Looking around I see all the things we used to share,

Time spent together.

When all is still and quiet I can still hear your laughter bouncing off the walls. 

Photos of you remain in frames hung up so neatly.  

I still cannot muster up the strength to take them down.

When I gaze upon them memories flood my mind.

Taking me back to a moment filled with smiles and time spent together. 

There are still moments when my eyes well up with tears.

Remembering you.  

We spent so much time laughing... 

no one can make me laugh like you do.

Just hearing that laugh brings a smile to my face.

I miss you!

I hope you are well,

and I hope whatever you are up to your laughter is following you!

  

SQUAM

I am doing it....I am actually really doing it.
I can not even believe it myself.
But I am attending SQUAM
This is a dream come true for me.

I am extremely nervous about it
I am not an artist
I just love to do art.
Who am I to be surround by such inspiration?

But I am doing it
I am putting myself out there, and it is so exciting.
This will be a trip I will remember for the rest of my life.

What feels even better is that I am doing this for myself.
Purely for myself.
Rarely do I do things for myself.
I know this experience will fill my heart, inspire my soul, and leave me smiling from ear to ear.

Two more weeks!! Hooray!!

Not leaving....

I can't leave.  I simply must stay.

I enjoy it here.

The conversation, the laughter, the common bond we have formed for being together for so long.  

What amazes me is how this place has brought us all together. 

All so different, yet sharing something special, sharing something unique just by being here.

When you leave things change.  

You lose touch, you do not have the same connection.  It is a shame

So I simply must stay.  I can't leave

I really enjoy it here.

I know what to expect when I  walk in.

A friendly greeting, a smile, "hi hunnnie"

I do not have that anywhere else.  

It has grown here and has become a part of me.

Sure one day I will move on, 

but for now I am going to enjoy the part of me that has been nurtured here and I will stay  

Looking Out

Looking out, 

and what do I see?

Is that the same girl staring up at me?

She is stronger now

Braver

A look of determination in her eyes.  

How did she grow in such a short amount of time?

I turned around for a second and here she stands above me.

Ready to help me up with a gentle smile and calming look in her eyes.

She seems happy living alone, enjoying each day, working hard.

She seems more together, more relaxed, calm.

Is that the same girl staring up at me?

I look for a long time into those deep brown eyes and I realize

the girl I see is me.  

Embracing life, savoring the sights and sounds, and feeling what is around.

The road was long, the path was bumpy, and still I am on my journey.

Traveling along with a little more pep in my step, and a song in my heart.

Everything as it should be.

Traveling along with this beautiful girl inside of me. 

Darkness

In the distance it is there,

but I can't feel it

I can't see it

I don't even know what it is like anymore

Does it really exist?

Will I ever experience it again?

I am hurting,

Struggling.  

Feeling terrible horrible feelings

They are washing over me as tears soak my shirt.

How did I end up on this dark road?

Why do I feel so trapped?

Will a light shine through the darkness?

Or will I be left to my own demise?

Here, Now What?

Here I am,

Now what?

What am I doing here?

How did I even get here?

Do I belong here?

Sometimes I am not so sure

I shy away from myself, 

get nervous to stand tall

I put myself down.

That needs to stop, 

right here

right now

What?

What do you have to say about that?

I tried to give you my heart.

I tried to show you who I was

You disappeared

You backed down

You are no longer around.

Yes I would love to have you here,

but it doesn't seem like you care much for that.

So I choose myself.

I choose to save the only thing I know how to save

I choose me.

You might have not, but I did.  

Don't feel bad for me

Don't look down on me with those disapproving eyes

I need to take care of myself

I need to lift my head up,

look into the sky and reach for the stars

It's a shame it never worked

It's a shame you ran 

But here I am,

firm in the soil, planting my feet in the ground

I traveled an immense distance for you

I placed my heart in the palm of my hands ready to give it to you

Maybe I made it to easy, maybe I was to fragile for you.

Yes I am a "flower loving artist" as you say

Who does need someone pretty "unique to keep me grounded"

But I'm not worried about that now

I have my head on my shoulders, 

I am feeding my heart and nourishing my soul.

I am Here!

Happiness

The skies are parting

Things are getting just a little bit more clear

I hope happiness is in my stars at night.