SQUAM

I am doing it....I am actually really doing it.
I can not even believe it myself.
But I am attending SQUAM
This is a dream come true for me.

I am extremely nervous about it
I am not an artist
I just love to do art.
Who am I to be surround by such inspiration?

But I am doing it
I am putting myself out there, and it is so exciting.
This will be a trip I will remember for the rest of my life.

What feels even better is that I am doing this for myself.
Purely for myself.
Rarely do I do things for myself.
I know this experience will fill my heart, inspire my soul, and leave me smiling from ear to ear.

Two more weeks!! Hooray!!

Not leaving....

I can't leave.  I simply must stay.

I enjoy it here.

The conversation, the laughter, the common bond we have formed for being together for so long.  

What amazes me is how this place has brought us all together. 

All so different, yet sharing something special, sharing something unique just by being here.

When you leave things change.  

You lose touch, you do not have the same connection.  It is a shame

So I simply must stay.  I can't leave

I really enjoy it here.

I know what to expect when I  walk in.

A friendly greeting, a smile, "hi hunnnie"

I do not have that anywhere else.  

It has grown here and has become a part of me.

Sure one day I will move on, 

but for now I am going to enjoy the part of me that has been nurtured here and I will stay  

Looking Out

Looking out, 

and what do I see?

Is that the same girl staring up at me?

She is stronger now

Braver

A look of determination in her eyes.  

How did she grow in such a short amount of time?

I turned around for a second and here she stands above me.

Ready to help me up with a gentle smile and calming look in her eyes.

She seems happy living alone, enjoying each day, working hard.

She seems more together, more relaxed, calm.

Is that the same girl staring up at me?

I look for a long time into those deep brown eyes and I realize

the girl I see is me.  

Embracing life, savoring the sights and sounds, and feeling what is around.

The road was long, the path was bumpy, and still I am on my journey.

Traveling along with a little more pep in my step, and a song in my heart.

Everything as it should be.

Traveling along with this beautiful girl inside of me. 

Darkness

In the distance it is there,

but I can't feel it

I can't see it

I don't even know what it is like anymore

Does it really exist?

Will I ever experience it again?

I am hurting,

Struggling.  

Feeling terrible horrible feelings

They are washing over me as tears soak my shirt.

How did I end up on this dark road?

Why do I feel so trapped?

Will a light shine through the darkness?

Or will I be left to my own demise?

Here, Now What?

Here I am,

Now what?

What am I doing here?

How did I even get here?

Do I belong here?

Sometimes I am not so sure

I shy away from myself, 

get nervous to stand tall

I put myself down.

That needs to stop, 

right here

right now

What?

What do you have to say about that?

I tried to give you my heart.

I tried to show you who I was

You disappeared

You backed down

You are no longer around.

Yes I would love to have you here,

but it doesn't seem like you care much for that.

So I choose myself.

I choose to save the only thing I know how to save

I choose me.

You might have not, but I did.  

Don't feel bad for me

Don't look down on me with those disapproving eyes

I need to take care of myself

I need to lift my head up,

look into the sky and reach for the stars

It's a shame it never worked

It's a shame you ran 

But here I am,

firm in the soil, planting my feet in the ground

I traveled an immense distance for you

I placed my heart in the palm of my hands ready to give it to you

Maybe I made it to easy, maybe I was to fragile for you.

Yes I am a "flower loving artist" as you say

Who does need someone pretty "unique to keep me grounded"

But I'm not worried about that now

I have my head on my shoulders, 

I am feeding my heart and nourishing my soul.

I am Here!

Happiness

The skies are parting

Things are getting just a little bit more clear

I hope happiness is in my stars at night.  

Rising up...

I fell to the floor

Begging to the world to help me find peace.

I cried, pleaded, shouted.

Nothing seemed to help

For awhile I stayed in that position.

Huddled on the floor

Aching, 

Feeling pain in every inch of my body.

I started to notice the sun shining

It came slowly, casting a light through my darkness

Every so gently it got brighter and I was able to see things a little more clearly.

I rose to my knees.

Instead of begging and pleading I began to give thanks

I started to notice the beauty around me,

I felt the earth, the breeze, the sun. 

Nature surrounded me

Nature healed me.

I put my palms out,

As if to welcome the new things coming way.

A smile rose on my face and I embraced all the adventures I would soon take

On my knees I stood tall,

Proud of who I was.

Amazed at what I had been through

And grateful to be here right now, in this moment.

Rising up from the darkness

Rising up from the despair

Standing tall in who I am

Rising up to meet who I am meant to be.

Truth

"If you cannot find the truth where you are, where else do you expect to find it?"

*Dogen*

Strangers

Sitting on a plane

Sadness washing over me

Writing my thoughts away in the darkness

Not even stopping to turn on the light

Not wanting to shed all of this in the brightness

Music in my ears

My thoughts coming out through my fingertips

Tears welling up in my eyes

The stranger next to me catches my attention

Let's me know it is ok to turn on the light

I am not sure I am ready for that, not sure I ever will be

We begin talking

I begin to not feel so alone up here in the sky

Two strangers coming together

Traveling alone, yet coming together.  

The sun is my guide...

The sun is shining and the air is washing a light breeze over me.  

I smile

Whoever thought I would be here?

Before I was filled with so many harsh emotions.

I had gone through an incredible storm,

and it has just begun to calm down.

The sun is smiling as if to say...

You are ok, and You are where you need to be.

Embrace this moment.

I look around, taking it all in.

The leaves on the trees, the clouds in the sky, 

The feel of the hot sun on my skin.

All that surrounds me is healing me.

Enveloping me in a swirl of love and strength.

Refueling my soul for whatever lies ahead.  

The sun is my guide.

She holds me gently,

and has lead me to this safe haven.