Reflecting

Colored Pencils, originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

I have been quiet here lately. Turning into myself. Looking find answers to some questions within my heart. As it turns out though there is no need for me to answer any questions. Someone has answered them for me. So I would like to share with you a poem from the great David Whyte.

The House of Belonging

I awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that

thinking for
a moment
it was one
day
like any other.

But
the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
and
I thought

it must have been the quiet
candlelight
that filled my room,

it must have been
the first
easy rythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,

it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night.

And
I thought
this is the good day
you could
meet your love,

this is the black day
someone close
to you could die.

This is the day
you realize
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next

and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,

the tawny
close grained cedar
burning round
me like fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

You

You have wings

Beautiful expanding wings

You fly freely

Gliding through the breeze

Soaring where ever you may

You have strength

Strength to rise up and spread those wings

I can see it in your eyes

And the way you carry yourself when you walk

Your strength cast out a radiant light

You are brave

You let people in

And let the world see you, all of you

You smile when you are happy

And shed tears when you are sad

You are kind

Showing a compassion towards others

Understanding and listening

You get to the heart and soul of someone else

You see someone for who they are

You are beautiful

A breathe of fresh air

Continue to keep dreaming

and reaching for the stars

It is your light that will guide you

standing

I feel like I am learning how to stand again

On my own two feet

with no one there to catch me if I fall

Carefully I take each step

Trying to be aware of what surrounds me

Listening closely to each sound

Standing is not always an easy thing to do

Sometimes it is easer to sit

and let it all pass by

But my soul yearns to stand,

To stand tall

proud

and brave

I want to be seen

heard

and understood

As I stand and look around

I notice I am not alone

Angels surround me and cheer me on

I am standing now

Taller than I ever stood before

and I will continue to reach and grow

pattern of life

Open my eyes

let them adjust to the darkness

I can see the pattern

of going nowhere fast

Always ending up in the same place

no matter how fast I run or how slow I walk

The destination always seems to be the same

gloomy when I look at it from this angel

Being in the moment and living it is not so bad

but when I already know the ending before I even finish the first chapter

why bother reading the book?

I already read a version of it before

No reason to suffer through the sadness as tears soak my cheeks

Maybe it is best to just put the book down and walk away until

I am ready to write a new ending

Thankful

I am so thankful today for many thinks including but not limited to ...

* This warm sunny day that I have been blessed with

* Spending time with my family, they always bring a smile to my face and make me laugh

* Having such fun and wonderful parents, brothers, and sister in laws

* My studio apartment which houses my creativity and dreams and shelter's me

* Being healthy to ride mile after mile on my bicycle

* The amazing people I have met through this community and the incredible support they give me

* Being able to put thoughts and feeling into words down on paper

* Working ~ with people that are kind and having someone to spend lunch with

* The sound and smell of the ocean ~ it calms me, brings me back, and reminds me to feel

* For having the opportunity to experience, feel, and truly enjoy all that is around me

* For being aware of life and living it

What are you grateful for today?

. . .

Traveling

Yet not sure where I am going

The fog and haze are settling in

I can feel the darkness surrounding me

Engulfing me

I am unsure of how to break free

Tears stain my cheeks as I push on

The feeling of defeat washes over me

If we never meet

What if we never meet?

Where will my soul end up traveling?

Will it continue to search over vast oceans,

or will it silently give up and fade away?

Will my mind and heart lose that drive,

or will it simply accept that is the path I am destine for?

What if we never meet?

Will I still be me?

view

New Paltz, NY

Sometimes it is not what is in front of you that is important

But what is in the background, that you do not pay attention to that really matters

Strong

New Paltz, NY

While hiking on Sunday I was flooded with the thought "I really want to be strong, I really want to be strong, I really want to be strong." This thought consumed me. I thought about how this is the moment in my life to make myself strong.

But what does strong mean? I thought back to manzanita, and how I learned that one word can mean something so different to someone else than what it means to me. Words hold their own meanings in all of our hearts based on where we are in life in that particular moment.

Currently strong means to me:

• the willingness to put myself out there, be bold and brave
• facing the challanges in front of me with grace
• feeling confidant and comfortable in my own skin
• fully embracing what I love and going for it
• physically feeling fit and healthy
• reaching out and asking for help when I need it

I want to feel strong and face this life head on.

escaped

Ramapo Reservation, NJ

Last night while lying in bed all sorts of incredible thoughts came to my mind

Beautiful words, one right after the other

I begged my mind to remember them

Hoping that when I woke up in the morning they would be there

Waiting patiently for me to write them down

It seems that words, thoughts, and ideas are not as patient as I had hoped

They escaped into the night

Running off leaving me to wonder if they will ever return again

Gratitude

Heart shaped surprise, New Paltz NY 

When the clocks change 

I change

The darkness nudges it's way into my mind

Pulling me down

Sucking the motivation out from inside me

And watches me struggle until the end of March

The winter is always a difficult time for me

I am going to try my hardest to be positive

and not let the darkness unveil it's evilness on my soul.  

I am going to seek out the beauty of what is around me

Taking note in what I am appreciative for

Pushing myself to smile more

And reaching out for a hug more often than I usually would

Today I am so grateful for:

* * No frost on my car this morning

* * The sun shining and the coldness staying away for the day

* * The thrill inside that arises when watching the NY Yankees

* * Lunch with a new friend

* * Finding something I have been looking for, for a long time

What are you grateful for today?  

beauty

Take it all in

Everything that surrounds you

Look around and see the beauty

Listen the little voices calling to you

Taste the goodness that comes

From following your heart  

arriving

New Paltz, NY

Around my heart a space is held

for all thing beautiful, brave and loving

This space is filled with magic

and a dancing sparkle

Lighting me up from the inside

and radiating beauty from my eyes

I never thought I would be in this space

Feel this full

Experience the comfort of my own skin

I have evolved into a beautiful woman

Strong, tender, and compassionate

Sharing the truth of my story with those around me

Brilliantly brave

Wisdom emulating out of me

live

Grounded, originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

live bodly, laugh loudly, love truly.
play as often as you can.
work as smart as you are able
share your heart as deeply as you can reach.
as you awaken
may your dreams
greet you by name and
may you answer, "yes."
as you walk may all of your angels
gather at your shoulders and
may you confidently know
they stand with you.
as you rest
may all of your endeavors
know contentment and peace.

~ mary anne radmacher

a little space

I created a little space

Which celebrates pieces of me and gives me the moment to stop and reflect as well

A space to light candles for my dreams

And be inspired by how brave I am

Courage

courage doesn't always roar.  sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'i will try again tomorrow'

~ mary anne radmacher

Moment in time

Ramapo Reservation, NJ

Sitting close to you

A smile forms on my face

Calmness washes over me

I listen to the sound of your voice

and soak in the beautiful view

For a brief moment in time

beauty surrounds me

But it is shadowed by the truth

The truth of knowing 

that this is a brief encounter

However beautiful and rare it may feel

It will end shortly

A wave of emotions is stirring inside me

Happiness and sadness competing with one another

Neither feeling wins

It is simply a constant battle

Tugging at the heart

Ramapo Reservation, New Jersey

It may be only for a brief moment

but in that moment beauty surrounds me

and takes me in

It is the kind of moment you wish would never end

Stunning Souls

Manzanita, Oregon

Stunning souls pulled together by the tides pull

Gathering along side the ocean

Bringing with them their own experiences

Bringing with them their own wisdom

Bringing with them an open heart

All different forms of beauty standing strong in one solitary group

Supporting one another

Laughing with one another

Loving one another

A calling deep inside of each of these stunning souls

They knew they had to be their

Present in the moment

Breathing

Unearthing their best self

Beauty, joy, and happiness radiate from these stunning souls

So brightly, so beautiful

Filled with magic

Stunning souls please know that someone is holding the space for you

Ready to reach out with a hug

Remember how brave you are

and how liberating it is to just go for it

Your journey may be long

but you are never alone

Breathe deeply

Breathe deeply

Soak it all in

Oregon Coast

Manzanita, Oregon

Back in New Jersey after spending some incredible days on the Oregon coast at the Be Present Retreat.  It was incredible.  Days filled with hugs, laughter, raw honesty, creating, and moments of seeing how brave I truly am.  I met so many beautiful and inspiring souls that my heart is swelling with happiness.  I feel full inside and my cheeks hurt a bit from smiling so much.    

"If you don't give yourself credit for all that's good in your life, how can you expect yourself to create more? "

eyes

Your eyes so blue
Tell stories of a thousand journey's
So peaceful
So calm
A look of kindness
That everything will be alright
Those eyes are filled with hope
Filled with dreams
Filled with passion
After enduring so much pain
Your eyes feel like love
Are those eyes of angels
I am looking at?
Were you sent to guide me?
To show me the light?
Eyes of love
Do not stop looking.

central park friend, nyc

"When you do not know what to do next,

sometimes it is because you have already

done more than you give yourself credit for "

~unknown

one for the road

self portrait, point pleasant NJ

Here is one for the road
When you feel you cannot keep going
but must press on
When the wind is pushing you back
and you do not feel like you are getting ahead

Here is one to make you smile
Give you encouragement
help you along
When you are down and blue
this one is for you

Here is one to let you know
That someone is always there
You are not alone in this
Even when the journey seems endless
Good thing will come around the corner

Here is one for the road
For you to fold up and put in your pocket
To take out and look at when you need to
To remind you that
You are loved and you are cherished

i write

I write to put my thoughts on paper

To release my mind of the worries and fears I have

I write from my heart

To express what my soul wants the world to hear

I write so that others can see what I feel

To connect with those who understand

I write for myself, but also for you

I write

allendale, nj

"Yes I know there ain't no finish line, I know this never ends

But I'm just learning how to fall, climb back up again

I know there is nothing perfect, I know there is nothing new"

~everclear, learning how to smile

magic is in the air

This year I was unable to be surrounded by the magic of squam. A type of magic that really cannot be described in words. But it feels something like:

• your heart bursting with love
• the sound of laughter singing it's sweet song
• stories being shared
• indviduals breaking their heart open, shedding their fears, and sharing their dreams
• cuddling around a campfire
• truly being seen, loved, and cherished for exactly who you are

The list could go on and on. It is the type of feeling that can be seen pouring from my eyes as I talk about my time spent there. A smile coming over my face that I cannot contain. Squam was a dream come true for the creator, Elizabeth. It is a place that will forever be engrained in my heart. The place I grew my wings. It was the place that helped lead me here. A placed swirling with magic.

If you have even the slightest incling that you should go I say take the chance. I would love to gather with you there next year. Snuggle up close next to the fire. Hold you hand as we walk through the woods. And listen to your story.

squam lake, new hampshire

Create the life you want to be living
Be open to accept what the universe has in store for you
Begin to embrace the beauty that surrounds you
You can choose the path you take
Try something that scares you
Doing so will inspire others
Take a deep breath in and
Meditate on what your heart truly desires

in the park

bench, Central Park NYC

I have never seen another place
where so much diversity stands side by side
as what can be found in Central Park

It is incredible
inspiring
and so fun to be surrounded by

A women playing her violin
A little boy juggling
A group of boys break dancing

You can see it all in the park
Hear all sorts of sounds
And walk side by side with all sorts of people

It is beautiful so see it all in one place
So much to watch, so much to see
People, just being people in the park

first encounter

Sitting across the table from you
Looking directly into your eyes
Nervousness emulates from my body
As your knee brushes up against mine
And we share stories from days long past

If only there was a way to bottle up this feeling
Nervous
Excited
Scared
Happy
Everything rolled into one ball of emotion

This feeling will only be for tonight
After then we know each other a little bit more
We understand what it is like to be near one another
We feel a little bit more comfortable

We will go onto have fun
Get to know one another
Creat beautiful memories
The feelings floating around tonight will be forgotten
Never even spoked of again

But I want to hold onto this moment in time
Where possibility is in our hands
Things are pure and unjadded
We see only the good
And embrace each other with pure excitment

...

taken while riding in the MS bike ride

"Surrender to the mystery of it all"

the ride

my shadow during the MS bike ride

The goal is set

You go off alone
Determined to make it
The sound of the wind rushing past your ears
Beauty surprising you around every corner
The push up hill is difficult
The miles are long
But you keep going
You garner all your strength and you finish
You do it for those who can not

For those showing there strength even through there suffering

You accomplished what you set out to do

breathe

breathe, originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

breathe
take it all in
relax
enjoy
this life is beautiful
and you are a part of it

taking it all in

, originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

When it comes to photographing people I get all shy and nervous. I am not sure why. But this fear takes over me and I feel so self conscious. I can't shake it. Sure I can be silly and photograph myself with people holding my arm out with camera in hand as far as it can to ensure everyone is in the photo. In fact this is one of my favorite ways to take photos with people. It feels more intimate than someone else taking the camera and snapping the photo. And sure it is easy to photograph flowers, the sunset, and clouds. They are not staring back at me. Watching me contort into all different positions to get the perfect shot. They don't care what the photo looks like after I take it, in fact they don't even ask to see it. But with people it is all so different. They want to see what I snapped and are curious how it comes out. I feel terrified that I will not live up to there expectations of what they thought the photo would look like.

I am still struggling with my larger camera. Still trying to figure out how to get better shots. Not sure if it is my lens but for some reason a lot of my photos (even outdoors) come out a little fuzzy. I just can't figure it out. So the pressure builds when a person is looking at me as a take the picture. The intimate look in there eyes as they allow me to capture a moment in time. I want to feel more comfortable photographing people. I want to learn more about my camera so the photos come out crisp and clear.

For now, to start breaking through my fear I have begun photographing people from behind, when they don't even know I am taking the shot. This gives me time to breathe and relax without them staring right at me. It lets me take the photo without them asking to see it. It is a small step but none the less it is step.

Spinning

Things have been moving so fast,
so furious
I am not even sure when it began,
or if it will end.
But it keeps coming and going
I am running
trying to catch up
trying to stay afloat
It is not easy to move this fast all the time
I am running out of steam

I must take a deep breath
slow down
The world is moving fast
but I don't have to keep up
I can relax
Soak in the beauty
Gain my strength

Take a deep breath
Look around
There is so much the world has to offer

Calm

Calm, originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

the darkness
and the light
feeling equally intense

this is the moment of
truth
honesty
raw
messy
hopeful
emotions

feel each of them
breathe deeply
let the waves of emotion
wash over you

you will rise up
stronger
braver
wiser
you will be seen
for YOU!

Outdoor Geourgeous Moments

Sunset, view from aunt alices balcony 

*  Riding my bicycle

*  Watching the sunset

*  Beautiful clouds in the sky

*  Star gazing and wishing upon them

*  Sitting around a campfire with the ones I love

*  Swimming

*  Taking photographs of flowers

*  Walking around Verona Park

*  Hiking

*  Painting on a blanket outside

*  Taking an outdoor shower after a day at the beach

*  Being on the beach

be

George Washington Bridge

be yourself 

there is no one else I would rather you be

you sparkle

you shine

you light up all that is around you

be yourself

the world needs people like you

to help them laugh

ease their fears

and bring out the fun inside them

be yourself

and see yourself as other see you

beautiful

strong

brave

Perspective

originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

Sometimes at first glance things can appear to be so small

But if you take a moment to stop

and look from a different angle

That matter of perspective just might change

Stop

Look around

Get down real low

See something from a different point of view

see you there

Glow, originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

Lets meet again
Like we have so many times before

Lets dance beneath the moon,
swim through the oceans tide
and snuggle up close

Lets laugh with one another
Get tangled up in our dreams
and play together

Lets reminisce about times long past
And smile about how met met
And how we never kept in touch

Lets meet again
Like we have so many times before
I will see you there, safely in my dreams

Library

some of my book collection

Have you ever walked into the library and found yourself smiling from ear to ear?

Quietly walking down each aisle,

browsing all the different titles,

different covers,

different subjects.

Wanting to take each book off the shelf and bring it home with you.  

Everything looks so appetizing.

Covers and titles speaking to your inner core

Calling out to you

Begging to be picked up and brought home.  

Oh!  So many books, and just not enough time.  

Journey

Oaxaca, Mexico

I am on a journey

and at times it seems incredibly long.

I feel like I am climbing up a mountain

but will never reach the point of ecstasy.  

People say to enjoy the process, 

savor the moments, 

stop to look around and take it all in.

It is not always easy to do when you know

what you ultimately want to experience,

and when you feel in your heart

exactly what you are longing for.  

It's not easy when you had a taste of something

so sweet and you can't seem to find that delicacy again.

The mountain seems steeper and steeper 

as the days go on.  

You get out of breathe more quickly and 

fall with your head held down in despair.

Will you ever make it to the top?

Will you ever see, feel, experience

that kind of beauty again?

The journey seems so long, 

so hard, 

so strenuous.  

But the only thing you know how to do

it so keep on going.

And so you do.   

poetry in motion

music: Upside Down ~ Jack Johnson

**the first time I uploaded my little video it did not upload completely.  So I re posted it, this time in it's entirety.  I hope you enjoy my little creation.  

brave

...

originally uploaded by Jennifer Belthoff.

The best decisions, the ones that we never regret, come from listening to ourselves.