Shadows

Hiding in the shadows.
Not wanting to peak out.
Feeling safe by there covering
Feeling calmed by there darkness.

Hiding in the shadows
Not letting anyone see
My thoughts, me feelings, my worries
Hiding Hiding Hiding.

Why did I turn down this road?
How did I venture off my path?
Hiding in my shadows, trying to break free

The seed has been planted

Me ~ so happy ~ with the amazing warm hearted founder of squam, Elizabeth

The magic of squam has been infused into a whole new group of budding artist. They gathered around that fabulous lake and embraced one another as the previous group had done. Their stories and pictures of their time spent at squam brings back all the amazing feelings I felt when I was there last September. Just reading their words and thoughts has watered that little seed that was planted into my heart when I was exploring those fabulous woods for myself.

It was at squam when I truly felt like people saw "me" for the very first time. There were no judgements only acceptance. The loved swirled around and swept me off my feet. I grew my wings and since then have been learning how to fly. I dip my hands into paint more often and snap more photos.

Unfortunately this year I will not get the chance to be engulfed in the magic. But if you even have an inkling of wanting to feel the warmth and love that I did I highly recommend you take the leap and attend squam in September. There are no words that can describe how you feel and what it will do for your heart and soul. Spread those wings and fly!

the beginning

little hannah, easter 2009

It all starts out so simple, so basic, so pure

Three little things making you so strong

Nutrition

Sleep

Love

You savor these things

They are your survival

You eat, you sleep, and you soak up love

A pure, compassionate, genuine kind of love

Everyone wants to see you

Everyone wants to hold you

Everyone wants to be around you

Your little heart cannot comprehend this magic

You bring so much joy and happiness to everyone around you

Each day you grow a little bit

Changing ever so slightly

We all watch in amazement

With tender caring eyes

There is so much I want to say to you

So much I want you to know

Like how excited and happy your parents are that you are a part of their life

And how honored I am to be your fairy godmother

And how you have brought out this incredible gentle soft side of my brothers (your uncles) that was always there, but hiding beneath the surface

And how proud your Grandma and Grandpa are to know you and show you off

You can see the love your parents have for you in there sparkling eyes when they talk about you

and how they smile from ear to ear when they are holding you

Your little spirit captures the hearts of everyone who meets you

Life is going to bring you many adventures

And lots of juicy goodness for you to soak up

Together we will experience so much and have a ton of fun

I want you to know that along the way of discovering and achieving your dreams

I will always be here to hold your hand

Laugh with you, cry with you, listen to you

and lead you back to the basics. . . .

Nutrition 

Sleep

And love

The three little things that heal you and make you stronger

I love you Hannah!

Look around

Dandelion curls, outside my apartment

All to often I am constantly moving . . .

Going here, there, everywhere.

Never paying attention to what is around me.  

The world keeps on moving as fast as I do.

But every once in a great while the universe taps me on the shoulder,

and kindly asks me to slow down.  

My camera always helps me in this department

It forces me to focus on what is around me

It helps me to notice things I never knew existed before

. . . like the little curls on top of the dandelion.  

What do you notice when you slow down and really look around?

I . . .

I . . . 

. . . love the sound of the waves crashing on the beach

. . . love the smell and feel of old books

. . . crave the attention of the sun

. . . read and write to my hearts content

. . . fully embrace that books are my best friend

. . . soak up the sounds of laughter

. . . enjoy creating with my hands and getting messy doing so

. . . paint to my hearts content creating my own masterpieces

. . . like to be connected with nature - taking a hike or sitting near water soaking in all the positive energy

. . . know that the weather is important, it really effect me to, but I want to know how you are feeling, what you truly care about, and what gets your blood pumping.  

. . . dance while alone in my living room

. . . talk to myself and sing in my car

. . . sleep with my Teddy Bear Walter/Mamerto

. . . feel a smile can brighten someones day 

. . . am moody (at times of course)

. . .seldom swear

. . . sleep with books piled next to me

. . .rarely watch tv, but can watch a good movie over and over again

. . . do not own a dvd player

. . . long to be an inspiration to people

. . . surround myself with pieces of nature in my studio apartment

. . . am proud of all that I have accomplished

. . . dream of a cozy house by the sea, with windows wide open and surrounded by love and inspiration

. . . have a favorite brand of pens

. . . never imagined I would be where I am today

and you?

I am longing to wear...

I am longing to wear these little fellas and not have my toes be cold and wet.

I want the sunshine to warm my feet and make my heart feel lighter.  

I need the blue sky to help me smile and the drifting clouds to take sweep away all my worries.

I feel like this rain is dragging me down. 

So to burst myself out of this mood I put on my dancing tunes,

and let my feet do all the talking.  

I let my heart and soul be free.

My feet moved one way and my hips another,

but I didn't care.  

I felt so alive in the moment.

My worries danced themselves away,

and a smile brighten up my face.

What are some of your dancing tunes?

I never knew...

Cherry Blossoms, Newark NJ (who ever would have thought)

It was gloomy outside and still early after I dropped you off.  The ride home felt like an eternity.  I took my tired body and curled up under my covers.  I wanted to call you just to hear your voice, to know you were well, and to remind myself that this was only for a week.  I turned on the tv to drown out all of the thoughts that were flooding my mind, closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.  I woke up much later that day.  The curtains were drawn.  I wasn’t sure of the time or the weather.  It was suppose to rain all day, so I pulled the covers close and then clicked the tv back on.  

An enormous wave of sadness washed over me.  Out of nowhere salty tears flooded my cheeks.  I knew you were only going to be gone for a week, but the sadness came from a much deeper place.  A place I wasn’t prepared for even though in my mind I always thought I was.  

With you away I see now that I am not ready or prepared for this to happen.  My heart is breaking into a million pieces.  I love what we share, the time we spend together, your excitement for life, and the passion that exists between us.  I love your tender, compassionate feeling side.  I love how dedicated you are to others and your warm heart and caring soul.  

Dark winters, dreary days, and many hard nights have lead us here.  Through patience, understanding and discovery each day we are getting closer.  Revealing pieces of us.  We understand each other better and know how to balance each other.  

But ‘the moment’ is haunting me now.  The moment we say our final goodbye.  Our last look, our last embrace, our last moment of togetherness.  That is the moment that everything will change.  Time will drift us apart.  Our strength will be challenged.  Our life weaved together by family and friends will slowly unglue itself. 

There is so much we can say now about how we want our time to be after we part.  Hopes and dreams of how we want to still stay close and how we will always still love each other.  Kicking and screaming we will try.  

Each time we discuss when this ‘moment’ will happen you break my heart by saying you will always still love me.  For me that love is not enough.  Knowing you love me is not enough.  I want to wake up next to you each morning.  I want to be with you each day.  Going on an adventure and exploring the world around us.  I want to see this beautiful world through your eyes.  I want to feel the touch of your skin next to mine.  I want to create a life together.  

Yet our limitations halt all possibility of this.  Through the deep love we have our future together is non-existent.  I am not prepared for this and I am positive I never will be.  I knew I was going to miss you.  I just never knew I would miss you this much.    

I lost the words

sky view, from my aunts apartment

I was exhausted yesterday from lack of sleep.  

I couldn't wait to climb into bed, close my eyes, and drift gently off to dream land.

But my mind would not allow it.

My head was swirling with a million ideas, 

words I wanted to write, phrases I wanted to remember. 

I wanted to write them all down, but laziness pursued and I never did.

Now those words and thoughts have escaped  me.  

Out there for another day hopefully, a day when I am ready to fully receive them.  

Thank you

Squam Lake

Thank you for your kind words

for listening

never judging

and nudging me to fly

Thank you for opening your door to me

inviting me in

and making me feel so welcome

Thank you for believing in me

supporting me

and watching me grow

Thank you!

Ahhh

my little worry box

I am setting my worries free

Letting the sea take them

Letting the waves sweep them where they may

The sound of the ocean

The calming sound 

that soothes my heart, my mind, my soul

Worries do one no good

They bring grief and sorrow

My heart and soul want to sing and dance

My mind is doing just that

So I am setting my worries free

Dropping them inside this box

and letting the world take care of them

What a relief to know that I do not have to worry