Sunday, May 03, 2009

I never knew...

Cherry Blossoms, Newark NJ (who ever would have thought)

It was gloomy outside and still early after I dropped you off.  The ride home felt like an eternity.  I took my tired body and curled up under my covers.  I wanted to call you just to hear your voice, to know you were well, and to remind myself that this was only for a week.  I turned on the tv to drown out all of the thoughts that were flooding my mind, closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.  I woke up much later that day.  The curtains were drawn.  I wasn’t sure of the time or the weather.  It was suppose to rain all day, so I pulled the covers close and then clicked the tv back on.  

An enormous wave of sadness washed over me.  Out of nowhere salty tears flooded my cheeks.  I knew you were only going to be gone for a week, but the sadness came from a much deeper place.  A place I wasn’t prepared for even though in my mind I always thought I was.  

With you away I see now that I am not ready or prepared for this to happen.  My heart is breaking into a million pieces.  I love what we share, the time we spend together, your excitement for life, and the passion that exists between us.  I love your tender, compassionate feeling side.  I love how dedicated you are to others and your warm heart and caring soul.  

Dark winters, dreary days, and many hard nights have lead us here.  Through patience, understanding and discovery each day we are getting closer.  Revealing pieces of us.  We understand each other better and know how to balance each other.  

But ‘the moment’ is haunting me now.  The moment we say our final goodbye.  Our last look, our last embrace, our last moment of togetherness.  That is the moment that everything will change.  Time will drift us apart.  Our strength will be challenged.  Our life weaved together by family and friends will slowly unglue itself. 

There is so much we can say now about how we want our time to be after we part.  Hopes and dreams of how we want to still stay close and how we will always still love each other.  Kicking and screaming we will try.  

Each time we discuss when this ‘moment’ will happen you break my heart by saying you will always still love me.  For me that love is not enough.  Knowing you love me is not enough.  I want to wake up next to you each morning.  I want to be with you each day.  Going on an adventure and exploring the world around us.  I want to see this beautiful world through your eyes.  I want to feel the touch of your skin next to mine.  I want to create a life together.  

Yet our limitations halt all possibility of this.  Through the deep love we have our future together is non-existent.  I am not prepared for this and I am positive I never will be.  I knew I was going to miss you.  I just never knew I would miss you this much.    


beth said...

oh sweetie...these will probably be very similar to my own words, quite soon...
{as there is so much going on here... stay tuned}

I'm sending you a hug and you can use it for however long you need it !!!

Amy said...

Hey you, sounds like you are going through a very emotional rough time. I hope you treat yourself tenderly and give yourself plenty of time and space to breathe. Sending you some loving thoughts.