2007 is Complete

I have wanted to do this exercise for awhile, but I felt it had to be perfect. So I kept putting it off. Forget that idea. Thank you Superhero for giving me the idea to toss my perfection out the window and allowing me to be messy. So here goes nothing....


2007 was a year of strength for me. I graduated college, which was a huge accomplishment for me. It took me awhile to do, but over that time I have had so many wonderful experiences. I am extremely proud of myself for going back, putting in the time and effort, and finally getting my degree.

I was also bold this past year and went on a trip to Mexico with strangers from Ramapo College. While I was there I met Christians mother and two brothers. Now that took some guts!! I was in another country where I only speak the language a little bit, and meeting my boyfriends mother without him...and she does not speak any English. WOW! My trip to Mexico was a trip of a lifetime, I learned so much about myself and gained more than I believe I was able to give.

Christian and I have also grown closer during 2007, in ways I was not even aware were possible. I feel we are more understanding, trusting, and loving towards one another in a much deeper way. It feels great to have this with him. We enjoy the little things together like swimming in our pool, riding our bikes, walking in the mountains, playing tennis. The summer was amazing for us. We enjoyed so many wonderful times together.

I connected more with some people through this blog. I feel that it is a huge accomplishment for me to be able to put myself out there this way. I was given the most wonderful opportunity of meeting the wonderful Jen Lemen. She is a divine inspiration, and it took a lot of strength and courage for me to go to NYC alone and meet her. It is scary to meet a stranger who inspires you so much over the internet.

However I must grieve for not being more creative, taking more time for myself, and following through with trying to learn more about myself. I really want to delve further into who I am. I keep putting it off. In 2007 I talked about it a lot inside my head, but never followed through. I forgive myself for not following through. I needed to think it out, I needed to feel my way through it.

I also forgive myself for giving out to much of myself. It is ok, it will all work out.

In the end of 2007 I got caught up with gossip. Listening to it and participating in it. That is not like me at all. I feel terrible about it. I want to go back to who I was before. An ear that simply soaked in the information, but made no judgements, and did not repeat it. I am a great listener, but no reason to throw in my two cents especially when it does not concern me. I forgive myself for getting involved, and I give myself the courage, strength, and inspiration to not participate in it anymore.

I also must grieve for not being fluent in spanish by now. I really should be. I have lived with Christian for two years now, I should be speaking fluent spanish. I do understand more, however I want to be 110% fluent. I forgive myself for not doing it. I also give my self the strength to be self disciplined enough to learn it this year. I will play more games in spanish, attempt to speak in spanish more often, and learn the language.

I now declare 2007 complete!!!

2008 is my year of self love and self discovery. The year of ME!!

I look forward to figuring out who I am over the course of this year. Thank you Andrea for this inspiration.

25 Things I will never tire of....

1. The sound of Christian laughing
2. Dancing in my apartment when I am home alone.
3. Singing at the top of my lungs in the shower possibly mixed in with some dancing.
4. Spending time with my three brothers. They really crack me up.
5. The sound, look, smell, and feel of the ocean. Oh, I love it!
6. Music. Especially Jack Johnson. My life theme song: Upside Down.
7. Reading a good book curled up in a really comfy chair.
8. Swimming. Especially in a crystal clear, warm ocean. (Or my apartment pool will do).
9. Riding my bycycle on a warm summer day.
10. Wishing on stars.
11. The feel of the warm sun on my face.
12. Being outside on a warm summer day. (Can you tell I am a warm weather kind of person).
13. Looking for inspirational quotes, stories, or anything creative).
14. Spending time with a close girlfriend, sharing stories about our life.
15. "Belthoff" family weddings --and there are plenty of them.
16. Going on adventures large or small.
17. The movie "Serendipity" Now if only I owned a copy of it again.
18. The feel of Christians feet underneath the covers.
19. Summertime. My favorite time of year!!
20 A good meal with great company.
21. Being around children. I adore and have so much fun with children.
22. Comedians. I love listening to them. They really crack my up and I love laughing.
23. Laughing --over anything or nothing. Sometimes I really crack myself up and I love laughing.
24. People's stories. About life, living, and how they became who they are.
25. Connecting with others.


Thank you Jen for inspiring me to make this list.

Happy New Year

2008!!! How wild is that. Ten years ago I graduated high school. My goodness, how time surely flies.

I am not a "New Years Resolution" person. I never seem to keep resolutions, and then I beat myself up over not keeping them. It becomes a vicious cycle. So I have been inspired to write my "hopes" for 2008. Writing down my "hopes" is much more fun than making resolution. So here goes.


For 2008...

** I hope to become a teacher. Not necessarily the "idea" of a "teacher" which I have conjured up in my head. Rather something creative and inspiring, and not necessarily in a public school setting.

** I hope to take more photographs, and possibly open up my own ETSY shop to sell them. (My that was really scary and bold to post up here.)

** I hope to find a fulfilling job which can support me financially.

** I hope to be knee deep in creative adventures. Like attending a SARK workshop or BLOGHER.

** I hope to keep smiling, keep loving, and keep enjoying life.

What are some of your hopes for 2008?

A Musical Christmas

Well Christmas was filled with some musical sensations. From my mom playing Guitar Hero, to my dad singing a song in Rock Band...I must say it was a blast. I never thought I would see my dad sing in front of a crowd, but I guess when you are surrounded by your ten brothers and sisters it brings you back to your childhood, and you let it all out. It was a lot of fun.



I love the holidays. I love getting together with my family. They really are a great group of people and I am so blessed to have each and every one of them. I think it is so great that we are all so close, and get along so well. I could not ask for anything else.

I hope each and everyone of you had a rocking holiday. I am now looking for a fresh start in 2008! How about you?

See you soon...

Yesterday Christian and I dropped Alvaro off at the airport. It was a time of enormous emotion for me. We had to go to JFK, the same airport I flew out of when I went to Mexico. Memories flooded back from my trip. I remembered crying because I was a little scared of going to Mexico. For me the trip was not just about helping the people of the community, but it also entailed meeting Christians Mother and Brothers, and seeing for the first time the country my dearest love was from. I felt like so much was "riding" on that trip. What if I hated Mexico? What if his mother disliked me? What if I was unable to communicate because of the language barrier? In my head so many "what if's" were swirling around. But bravely and boldy I got on the plane and traveled with a group of people I have never met before and had one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

I love MEXICO!!! Being there felt like home. Every person I encountered was so nice, kind, and caring. I was able to speak the language a lot more than I ever knew I could, and learned more words. I met Christian's mother and his two brothers and they are simply wonderful people. It was the most amazing wonderful opportunity of my life. The people that I encountered in Mexico are forever engrained in my heart. And one day I will be a part of Community Links.

Yesterday there I was again in JFK right outside of AeroMexico. While sitting in the airport with Alvaro and Christian, enjoying Alvaros last meal in America, it hit me like a ton of bricks: "This is exactly were I want to be. To be with Christian. To be a part of his family. To be connected to Mexico and America." It really hit me, and everything felt so right. There is no better feeling in the world than when something feels so right.



Christian has been here for five years and for that time he has not seen his brothers or his mother. So next year we plan to take the trip to Mexico and to get things in order for a more solidified commitment between us :) And I am extremely excited about that.

I cannot wait for the time when there is no border keeping Christian and I from freely going back and forth between Mexico and America. So we will both have the opportunity to enjoy our family. For now though I would like to wish Alvaro luck, and the best possible experience returning to a place he has been away from for so long. Christian and I already miss him greatly, but know in our hearts that he is very happy to be where he is. And we will see you soon!!

Remember to Slow Down...

Lately I have been getting angry quickly,
I feel it bubbling up inside me...
I am not as patient as I normally am.
I also have been getting upset over the smallest things...things that normally would not phase me at all.

I am not sure why.
Something must be causing this sadness and anger.
I am trying to remember to slow down, breathe, and remember other people.

I am searching for a word I can put on a bracelet, write on a ribbon and tie it around my wrist, or even write on my hand...
a word to remind me to
stop....
breathe...
and remember....
life is a matter of thinking.

I need to shift my thinking, and right now I am a little stuck at how to do this.
I need to ground myself, and bring myself back to .. "me"

Any suggestions?

People

"Each journey I take allows me to meet interesting people. If only encountering them for a brief moment their presence still remains in my heart." --JB

....

In a few days he will be gone,
back to Mexico for new adventures.
We will miss him greatly,
and it is so hard to say goodbye...

but he is excited to go,
and hopefully we will be there soon.
So we are savoring our last few days together....
and figuring out how to say goodbye.

True self

Sometime people put on an enormous facade,
they are great actors.

They seem strong and sure of themselves.
They stand in the center and make others cower around them.

Yet, inside they are searching for strength,
Trying to stay afloat, and putting others down along the way.

It surprises me when they give a glimpse of their true self.
Scared, timid, unsure of themselves and the world around them.

I always try to reach out to them,
and sometimes they let down their guard,
other times it is simply a battle, never won.

I know it hard to let your true colors fly,
and to really stand by who are...
but at the end of the day I know people love me for me,
and I hope you realize they love you for you as well.

Before Bed

Before bed a million ideas swirl inside my head, just wanting to get out. But I am snug and cozy, and the lights are out, and I don't want to disturb Chris. So I think about them, and ponder them, and then in the morning they have escaped. My dreams have taken them away to a far distant land reserved for all lost thoughts.

Many of those things I wanted to write about. I wanted to explore, delve deeper into. But they are gone. Possibly they will come back to me another night when I am snug in bed, unable to fall asleep. But I know in the morning they will escape me again. I have heard you should always keep a notebook next to your bed. I think I should start doing this. Write in the dark. Maybe my inner thoughts will come out a little bit easier with no lights on to judge them. Letting my hand and the pen guide it's way over the paper without any lines to constrict them, or any eyes to place judgement them. Maybe then my inner vessel will feel free to explore the open ocean.