Looking In

I have been looking in.  

Trying to understand the feeling, 

figure out the emotion, 

and be kind to myself.  

Why is it so hard sometimes to be kind to oneself?

Favorite Things

As part of my homework for the unravelling e-course I had to photograph some of my favorite things.  Oh what a fun assignment.  Singing the song "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music I began snapping photos of things around my house.  This assignment really opened my eyes to how much I love so many of the things that I surround myself with.  

books

journals

photographs

candles 

my bicycle

walter

my art supplies

my little shoes

flip flops

scarves

It was so much fun to photograph these things.  I kept snapping away with a huge smile on my face.  I needed this today.  To bring me back to myself.  To connect with the world around me.  And to fall in love all over again with myself.  I have been feeling lost.  This assignment really helped me find my path again.  

This mirror

This mirror has seen all of my.  

My smiling face filled with happiness.

My eyes sad with sorrow.

The hurt in my heart.

The glow of a beautiful day.

Tired sleep eyes

Eyes beaming with joy.

This mirror has reflected back pieces of me, 

and forced me to look.

I cannot hide from this mirror.

Always it is there like a trusty friend,

telling me to open my eyes and see the beauty that is before me.  

This mirror holds my secrets, 

whispers sweet nothings,

catches my fears,

and protects my heart.

This mirror has made me begin to see myself, 

embrace myself,

and love myself.  

Hiding

I have been hiding from myself lately...

Not sure why. 

But I can't seem to find myself

...

Time...

I simply don't have enough of it.
So many things I want to do, books I want to read, thoughts I want to write down....
but the time seems to disapear.
Not sure where it goes, but suddenly it seems gone.

I need time for myself.
To be nurtured, to grow, to blossom.
I need time to put pen to paper
and release all these feelings, thoughts, and ideas I have harboring in my soul.
I need time to let go.
To look around, feel, and experience myself.

It seems to be slipping away from me.
So quickly,
So suddenly,
I feel like I am drowning in a sea of swirling waves.
Here....there....not grounded to one location.
A constant back and forth.
I feel torn between the "want to" "should do" "need to do"
So very torn.

Time, I need to figure out how to experience more of my time.

Happy Birthday....

Your laughter rings through my ears when I think of you Grandpa.  Always a joke you had or us and always a smile when I saw you.  You always seemed so happy to be living life and enjoying whatever it was you were up to.  Hitting golf balls behind borough hall, fixing up old bicycles, and hanging out at the swim club where just some of the things you loved that I remember you doing.  I also remember so clearly spending Christmas at your house and listening to your music coming from the breezeway. I remember the basketball net and birdhouses you built us.  I feel so blessed to have been a part of your life.  To have been given the chance to know you, hear your stores, and listen to so many of your jokes.  You were an amazing many who touched the lives of so may and an absolutely wonderful grandpa to me!  I love you dearly and forever you will be in my heart with that brilliant smile on your face and that twinkle in your eye.  I miss you grandpa, happy birthday!  

My Feet...

My feet take me where I need to go and once I get in my car my feet take me even further.  They push the car faster, slow me down, and take me places I have dreamt of.  It is amazing the places my little feet have pushed me to inside my car.  

I feel....

I feel the need to transform.  I feel like I am in a time of change, a moment of growth, but I feel frustrated, hurt, and angry because I am not sure what I am looking for.  I am not sure what I am missing.  I am not sure what I need to feel strong, brave, and secure.  I feel like my feet are glued to the ground but I need to fly, soar, find out who I really am.

It is a miserable feeling.  This feeling of not really knowing who I am.  I feel like I don't know who I am, or how to even figure that out.  I feel like my dreams have become hazy.  I dislike parts of myself.  I am insecure.  Oh, it is a miserable feeling.

I feel like inside of me is this stick.  Going right down the center of my body.  It is propping me up in a way.  Forcing me to stand tall, to act brave, to pretend I know who I am.  I feel like I need this stick to crack right in half so that I can explore, be free, set my wings out to fly, to find myself.  Yet I have no idea how to crack this stick.  

Sick Day!

No photos today.  I was sick in bed sleeping away.  Dreaming of feeling better!