No Pictures leads to more ramblings...

I keep thinking that if I don't have new pictures I cannot post anything. I don't have many new photos on my computer since I lost everything, and lately for some reason, I have not really picked up my camera. But I am throwing the idea of 'no pictures, no posting' out the widow. Only having words is sometimes better...


Destiny or is it in your hands....
Fate or your decisions....

Which is true?
Do we have control, or is everything controlled for us in some way?

I love these types of conversations. About life, the meaning of life, how things are...anything truly personal. It really connects you to someone. It is hard to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable. To not only show the good side of you, but the not so good as well. To take things out of the closet, lay it on the table, and say; 'hey this is me, am I ok?' I can guarantee you, you are ok, and I have probally felt the same as you sometime in my life. There are so many times in life when we feel so alone. We do not understand a particular feeling we have and we think only we feel this way. However that is probally not true. We are human. The same things hurt our feelings, make us sad, and make us want to laugh. It is the ability to share and form a connection with others which is tough.

One of the people I admire most in this world has this amazing ability to be open and honest even about the most humiliting and embarresing topics. She will tell you exactly how she feels and she will never judge me for any of my feelings, no matter how ridiculous I think they are. Because of this I don't ever feel the need to pretend to be someone else, or hold anything back because I know she will always accept my feelings as 'my feelings'.

I wish everyone was able to be that open, including myself. I do think I am a very open person, but I am my own worst critic so I am not really sure.

There is a difference in honesty and a willingness to be humiliated. Humiliated is not even the right word. I guess just having the ablility to really put yourself out there. I used to hate the idea of being embarressed in public. Oh it just frightened me terribly. So I was quiet and shy, never really wanted to be the center of attention. I rarely talked, and gosh I would never tell a joke...people would laugh then. However those days are long gone. I am not searching for the spotlight, but I not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I feel how I feel...bottom line. If you don't like it I really hope you can at least understand my postion on it. And if we truly disagree I hope we can talk about it, and possibly I will be able to learn something I never knew before. I do silly things, people laugh at me...and I don't mind. I enjoy every day and try to make the best of every situation.

Life is to short.....

Well of course I have rambled on again, and did not even talk about what I wanted to. So stay tuned for destiny or your choice. :)

I'll Allow Myself...

to love but not get so caught up in love that I lose who I am

to cry but not drown mysef in my sorrows

to be angry but not hold on to anger for to long

to do what I want but not forget that my actions and decisions effect others as well as myself

to have what I want but not be consumed by materialistic things

to let go but not forget what brought me this far

to be loved but not stop showing loving for myself and others

to feel good but not be arrogant about it

Trouble...the good kind

"...And the trouble I find is that the trouble finds me
It's a part of my mind it begins with a dream
And a feeling I get when I look and I see
That this world is a puzzle, I'll find all of the pieces
And put it all together, and then I'll rearrange it
I'll follow it forever
Always be as strange as it seems
Nobody ever told me not to try..."

Jack Johnson: Talk of the Town

Ramblings....

Why do woman have these secret gardens? These deep places inside filled with raw emotion, hurt, fear, and all the thoughts we over analyze?

I would do anything for someone I love. Give them whatever they needed for their happiness. I would let them into my heart, let them deep inside. I give without any expectations of anything in return. Possibly it is the motherly instinct inside me. I want the ones I love dearly to have the last bite, get the best piece of cake, have the best seat in the house, and to be able to fully enjoy it. I get enjoyment in knowing and watching them enjoy themselves.

But the secret garden holds the over analyzing. It takes over sometimes. Guys shut the door, no afterthoughts. What is done is done. What has happened, happened. The girl shuts the door and runs through every detail in her mind. Analyzing.

I want to stop analyzing the details. I want to experience the moment and all that comes from it. The analyzing gets me no where. Why do women thrive on it? Why not spend our conversations on more meaningful things? Yet, what is more meaningful than what is going on in our daily lives? I just think there is a different way to handle it.

I always try to live in the moment. My spontaneous nature has taken me on many wonderful adventures. However my giving nature has also restricted me from spending more time on myself. I feel selfish wanting to do things for my happiness...simple little things, like taking a walk. But I need these things. My life depends on it, and it makes me feel more fulfilled.

This month I am working on taking a walk each day. I always feel refreshed after a walk. I walk through my problems in my head and my mind feels lighter. I have also been working on my life list. So far I am up to 79 things. It will be posted soon. Putting it in writing makes it feel more real and gets my wheels turning in how to accomplish each one.

I have always known that my happiness was in my own hands, now I am taking more active steps to make myself feel more fulfilled.

Happy Birthday Tlalolini

Today is Christian's birthday and I feel we had an excellent day. We woke up early, and I cooked him a special birthday breakfeast from his own choosen menu. Then we packed up and headed to the Yankees Red Sox's Game at Yankee Stadium. We watched the Yankee's sweep the Red Sox's. Which was an absolute blast. We hung out after the game for awhile in the parking lot enjoying a beer and a sandwhich. Ended up missing most of the traffic. Came home to sing him happy birthday with his cake and played some guitar hero together. It was really a lot of fun. I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did. The simple things are sometimes the best.

Even though you cannot count the Yankees Red Sox's as simple things. Oh it was so fun! I never thought I would see a Yankees Red Sox's game. And I did. I love baseball, so for me this was a dream come true.

Happy Birthday Tlalolini!!

What a book!

I love to read. Normally I am reading three books at once and never get around to finishing all of them. However Something Borrowed really took over me. I was unable to put it down. Enjoying every moment of it and turning right back to the first page after it ended. It was one of those books that I never wanted to last forever. I just finished reading it and I wish the book store was open so that I could go out and get her next book.

If you have read it let me know so we can discuss it. I will be here, reading it again :)

Illusions

Today I had a conversation about friendship and honesty. We had two conflicting opinions. Although I do not agree with everything he thinks and feels, I can see where he is coming from. And I can't help but feel a little sad.

He believes that there is no such thing as 'the truth.' That things are here one day and then gone the next. When they are here we believe them to be true, but that dream gets shattered. For the moment it feels real, but the moment never last's forever. He even gave me an example of a past relationship. Saying how during that time I believed everything the person told me to be true, however now I do not accept any of those ideas as truth. Does that make those memories all a lie? Is that all an illusion, like he says?

He believes you come into this world alone and leave this world alone so the only person you need to really look after is yourself. I do believe we come in alone, and leave alone but it is the people who are with us along the way that make our experiences that much better. If we were alone for this entire journey just think of what a depressing thing this life would be.

He believes that there is no such thing as friendship. People are around for only a short amount of time, and the only people who really care about you is your family. My family has been there for me through so much, but so have some of my friends. Sure some have come and gone, but there are a precious few who have seen all sides of me and are still here for me.

He believes that everything in this world is an illusion. I asked him if he thought it was possible for him to find the perfect match. He said he was too young to believe that.

He seems to always be picking out the bad in others.

He seems to never really let anyone in. Jumping around leaving pieces of himself scattered about.

He seems to try and hide that he does not care what other think, but deep down inside he is aiming to fit in.

The conversation left me feeling a little bit sad inside. He claims to be extremely happy, but I am not sure that is true. I think it is really sad for someone to not believe in friendship or truth. I like to think people are good and that if you treat them well they will treat you well in return. We all have our moments when we are not honest and we build up illusions around us, however I think inherently we are honest individuals.

I know I cannot change how he thinks and feels, but I just hope he meets someone who is able to open his heart up to love and be able to show him what truth and friendship is really all about. It is not dark and dreary like he made it sound; rather it is comforting and absolutely wonderful.

Pictures

"They're about the memories you have of your life. It's like this: have you ever looked through an old photo album? Imagine finding a picture you haven't seen for a long time and you look at it and suddenly you're remembering, no you're seeing things that no camera on earth could capture."



"A picture is only a marker. It will never be the whole picture. That's not why we save pictures anyway. We keep them as a way of keeping ourselves, as a way of holding our stories safe. To look at a picture we have forgotten is to remember and Treasure that memory as a part of our lives. With such a simple act, we return our stories to ourselves."

Brian Andreas

.....

Untitled
by Judi P.

She was exhausted with the effort.
that part of herself that was once her self
had somehow disappeared.

So she pretended, and smiled, and tried to attend,
but it was difficult

because the part of herself
that remembered her self
was screaming.

And she could no longer hear
anything but the deafening sound of the scream. Aaahhh.

8 Random Things

1. If I eat a cheese burger with the cheese side down I can't taste the cheese...and I think it is a plain hamburger.

2. I am always singing a song in my head...always. People always think I am thinking something serious, nope its just a song.

3. I love my eyes. If you compliment me on them I will love you forever.

4. I have a good sense of direction but usually doubt myself, then I end up getting lost. I need to stop doubting myself.

5. I can watch Serendipity and Major League over and over again.

6. I am a huge baseball fan. I love going to the games, watching them on TV, and hooting and hollering. One of my dreams is
to take a tour of all the stadiums in the US. (p.s...lets go yankees!)

7. When no one is around I dance and sing at the top of my lungs like I am a professional. In fact I really enjoy dancing in
front of the mirror.

and the most embarresing yet...

8. When I was younger I had a huge fear that Michael Jackson was going to come out of my toilet. (I have no idea why)