Hiding

I have been hiding from myself lately...

Not sure why. 

But I can't seem to find myself

...

Time...

I simply don't have enough of it.
So many things I want to do, books I want to read, thoughts I want to write down....
but the time seems to disapear.
Not sure where it goes, but suddenly it seems gone.

I need time for myself.
To be nurtured, to grow, to blossom.
I need time to put pen to paper
and release all these feelings, thoughts, and ideas I have harboring in my soul.
I need time to let go.
To look around, feel, and experience myself.

It seems to be slipping away from me.
So quickly,
So suddenly,
I feel like I am drowning in a sea of swirling waves.
Here....there....not grounded to one location.
A constant back and forth.
I feel torn between the "want to" "should do" "need to do"
So very torn.

Time, I need to figure out how to experience more of my time.

Happy Birthday....

Your laughter rings through my ears when I think of you Grandpa.  Always a joke you had or us and always a smile when I saw you.  You always seemed so happy to be living life and enjoying whatever it was you were up to.  Hitting golf balls behind borough hall, fixing up old bicycles, and hanging out at the swim club where just some of the things you loved that I remember you doing.  I also remember so clearly spending Christmas at your house and listening to your music coming from the breezeway. I remember the basketball net and birdhouses you built us.  I feel so blessed to have been a part of your life.  To have been given the chance to know you, hear your stores, and listen to so many of your jokes.  You were an amazing many who touched the lives of so may and an absolutely wonderful grandpa to me!  I love you dearly and forever you will be in my heart with that brilliant smile on your face and that twinkle in your eye.  I miss you grandpa, happy birthday!  

My Feet...

My feet take me where I need to go and once I get in my car my feet take me even further.  They push the car faster, slow me down, and take me places I have dreamt of.  It is amazing the places my little feet have pushed me to inside my car.  

I feel....

I feel the need to transform.  I feel like I am in a time of change, a moment of growth, but I feel frustrated, hurt, and angry because I am not sure what I am looking for.  I am not sure what I am missing.  I am not sure what I need to feel strong, brave, and secure.  I feel like my feet are glued to the ground but I need to fly, soar, find out who I really am.

It is a miserable feeling.  This feeling of not really knowing who I am.  I feel like I don't know who I am, or how to even figure that out.  I feel like my dreams have become hazy.  I dislike parts of myself.  I am insecure.  Oh, it is a miserable feeling.

I feel like inside of me is this stick.  Going right down the center of my body.  It is propping me up in a way.  Forcing me to stand tall, to act brave, to pretend I know who I am.  I feel like I need this stick to crack right in half so that I can explore, be free, set my wings out to fly, to find myself.  Yet I have no idea how to crack this stick.  

Sick Day!

No photos today.  I was sick in bed sleeping away.  Dreaming of feeling better!

Photo Exploration Day Seven

Photo Exploration Day Six

(from Sunday)

Timmy in action at the Snow bowl in Giants Stadium.  Very cool for him to play on the field, and for me to venture up to the press box.  :)  

Alex, absolutely thrilled to be on the field.  What an amazing feeling.   I wish I could feel what he did that day.  

It was nice weather here in Northern New Jersey on Sunday.  The perfect day to go to Giant Stadium.  Timmy was playing in a special Snow Bowl which raised money for The Special Olympics.  It gave me a chance to play with my camera.  To venture into action shots.  I took many shots that day.  Not many came out great, but it was fun to play.  To adjust my camera and see what I could produce.  It was a wonderful day spent with wonderful people.  

**I need some photo expertise.  Can someone please help me to get the photos to not look so grainy.  Any help would do as I really am not sure what I am doing with  my camera :)  Thank you so much!**

Photo Exploration Day Five

                    (From Saturday)

Stopping for a moment on my drive to take in the sunset.  What a magical experience.  We should all take  a moment to stop and look at the beauty that surrounds us.

When I was driving Cross Country I saw the most beautiful skies, wonderful sunsets, and amazing clouds.  I didn't understand why the sky was so beautiful across the country and why it wasn't like that where I lived.  We all live under the same sky, don't we?

The one day it hit me.  We do all live under the same sky.  The only difference is houses, power lines, and tall buildings get in the way of the sky here.  I am also so busy doing and going that I don't take the time to actually sit and take it all in.  

It is nice to take it all in.  To experience the beauty around you.  Soak it up.  Pause, even for just a moment and see how what beauty you can seek out in the every day.  

Photo Exploration Day Four

Photo Exploration Day Three

                    Bookstore

The winter is bringing me down.  

Pushing me through this bitter cold and dragging me through the snow, making my little toes freeze.  

It is terrible, simply terrible. 

I have been trying to rev up my creativity by using my camera.  

Taking it out, snapping away, opening my eyes to the beautiful things that surround me.

However my heart and soul are longing, crying, screaming for the sun to shine and for  warmth to envelope my body. 

I need to flick the switch over and turn on the light in my heart again.  

I pushed myself to get out to today

I had the day off and just wanted to lay under the warm covers all day.

But I pushed, and pushed and made my way to the bookstore.

It was nice to roam, to look, to explore.

I plopped the camera on the floor, trying to look at my life through a different angle.

It was a challenge for me.  

To use my camera in such a public place with people around.  In a place where you normally wouldn't be snapping photos.  

I didn't take many, but it felt good to put myself out there.  

To not worry about what others were thinking, and just do it.  Just be in the moment and take the photo.  

I need to continue to push myself.  

To put myself out there.

To be brave and strong.

I need to spread my wings and fly.  

Photo Exploration Day Two

       Beautiful Button ring made by my darling friend Amy

Opening my eyes to all the beautiful things that surround me.  Like this wonderful ring.  Made with beautiful artistic hands, kindness, and love.  

Photo Exploration Day One

           My little brown shoes, soaking up the snow flakes today.  

I have begun my exploration with my camera.  

Photographing something, anything.  

Just simply taking the time to take my camera out, 

snap at least one photo, 

and look at the world with my eyes open a little bit wider.  

What have you seen today?    Please share.  

Camera Exploration

I have been pretty camera shy lately.  My camera has been tucked away, not taken out of the bag, collecting some rest during these cold winter days.  Yet it is yearning to come out and play.  And it is asking me to play along.  

So I am stepping up to the challenge.  I am going to start to explore my camera, again.  It is easier in the spring and summer.  To go outside and play and click away.  During these dark cold days I hibernate in my PJ's staying warm under layers of blankets.  But I must push myself out of my shell and take my camera out of it's cozy bag.  I must let my eyes see again in different light, and uncover things I didn't even realize were there.  I need to let my fingers do some snapping again.  

So I am challenging myself to take at least one photo each day for the next week.  To post the photo each day and allow myself to savor the imperfections that arise.  Tomorrow will be day one.  Care to join in some Camera Exploration?