fear of success

I sit here.  Ideas swirling one right after the other.  A mental task list quickly filling the notebook in my mind.  So easily the ideas come, and they are good.  I can feel it in my heart and soul.  Yet it is with much hesitation that I breathe life into them.

I am afraid of succeeding.
Terrified of actually making it happen.
Doubting myself.
Playing that evil comparison game.

I want to begin.  But instead I cook up another idea.  Add some more lines to my task list and head out for a run.

I am lacking the confidence in myself  to take the leap.  I am doubting that people will be interested in the passions that are in tucked into my heart.  I forget that I will attract those that do understand and speak the same language as me.

I am unsure how to find my way out of this hole I am digging myself into.  So I am doing what I know how to do; show up here and write about it.  It feels freeing to state my fear.  To have it down on paper to examine and dig deeper into.

The journey to getting through this begins with these words.

A secret dream

Deep in my heart a dreams lies.  Hidden in the darkness.  Covered with dust.  It has always been there, but as time has passed the dream has become dormant.  My lips are terrified to speak of it.  My mind too scared to even think about it.  But dear Kelly Rae is giving Flying Lessons and she is teaching us to spread our wings, acknowledge our fears, and speak them out loud.  So I am taking the leap and sharing my dream.  

I always dreamed of being a teacher.  Every since I was a little girl I  held that dream in my heart.  I remember receiving a "teachers kit" for Christmas one year.  It was filled with all sorts of fun things like report cards, a roll call book, stickers, awards, a pointer, and a little American flag.  I would make my brothers sit at the kitchen table with me and play school.  Me being the teacher and them the students.  When they wouldn't play with me I would go to my bedroom alone and still take on the role of teacher all by myself, and I was happy.  

As I sit here thinking about what it is that I really want to cultivate in life, being a teacher came right to mind.  The thought of it terrifies me.  What if I fail?  What if people do not like me?What if I am terrible at it?  Am I to shy to teach?  This fear has stunted me from putting myself out their and taking any steps to achieving my dream.  

Awhile back I was a preschool teacher for three year olds.  Oh how I loved it.  Creating lesson plans, doing art, connecting with the kids.  All of it made my heart sing.  I loved going to work.  I looked forward to seeing those children and getting the chance to interact with them.  Once I left the preschool my dream became silent and the fear grew. 

I can feel in my heart that working in a public school would not make me happy.  But teaching in some fashion would.  Teaching an appreciation for life, each other, our environment.   Being kind to one another and sharing our stories.  Creating along side each other.  Watching each other bloom and grow.  I am not sure exactly what it would look like.  But I do know that I am going let the thought of teaching sit inside me.  Now that I got the courage to speak it out loud I am going to let the idea grow and expand.  

What is it that you secretly dream about but are to afraid to say?  What is holding you back from speaking it out loud?  Share it here today, I will hold your hand as you speak that secret dream.